Seriously. You will thank me.

I just used an entire tube of the stuff on my arms alone. Why? Because I am the free labor this week.

Due to the incredible fence scaling talents that Bronco has and Ginger’s astounding ability to circumvent the standard fence latch, we’ve decided to put in a taller, more secure (hopefully) wooden privacy fence. We had about five or six people come out and give us estimates and each one was more obscene than the next so as usual we decided to do it ourselves.

And just as it has happened in the past, “ourselves” includes my brother. He’s been present for many a fantastic endeavor- the re-drywalling and floor installation in KY, the drop ceiling and garbage disposal in TN, and now the fence in GA.

It should be noted that each of those projects has had it’s share of issues. Everything from installing a floor completely incorrectly (and in the process making it a thousand times more difficult) to having to make twelve trips to Home Depot because the instructions to the garbage disposal were never read. This project is no different.

We’ve already had our share of setbacks if you will. There was the ivy that had stems the size of mature oak tree trunks. The auger with an iffy kill switch. A concrete foundation that has an uncanny knack at seeping out into the exact space we needed to dig. The south Georgia clay which ate up an auger bit like quicksand causing us to spend the greater part of two hours digging it out a’la baby Jessica.

But we are not ones to discourage easily. We are Texan coon asses- there is no stopping us. Ivy the size of sequoias lashing your chain link to the ground? Not a problem- just get a tow strap, hook it to your truck and give it some gas. Piece of concrete patio in your way? Ha! Nothing a sledgehammer won’t take care of. 2×4’s way too long for the trailer? Just slap a red flag on that shit and get down the road.

So yea, things are going great everything considered. Usually on these brilliant ideas I am more the beautiful assistant while my brother and mrbunny shoot the shit and figure things out (eventually). But this time I’m it.

And this is not easy work. After one particularly difficult auger experience I was a bit out of breath. My brother was giving me crap about it until I pointed out that not only is he in exponentially better shape than I am to begin with, he’s been lifting weights and all that in the last few months whereas I’ve been stuck in the house in bed and on crutches! Quite a difference.

Not only that but I am a wee bit accident prone. In the course of three days I’ve managed to rip the skin on my hands and arms to shreds. Everytime I move I somehow end up with a new bruise. When I showered earlier I noticed my entire shin is just one big bruise, which I have no idea how I got.

Even as I’m typing this on my phone in pain because I somehow ripped off half a fingernail on my finger. I was unaware you could lose body parts (a fingernail is a body part for all intents and purposes here- I’d like to think that if I lost a toe or something I’d notice, hopefully) and be completely unaware of it. Now I know.

And now you know the reason Johnson&Johnson (or whoever makes this crap) stock worth is going to skyrocket in the coming days. And why Lowe’s will now require you to fill out a waiver not holding them liable for lost fingers while loading a trailer. And why when this fence is done you will hear the choirs of seraphim and cherubim break out into joyful song.

Now excuse me, there’s an industrial sized bottle of Advil with my name on it.