Hello! Through the wonders of Netflix I’ve had the opportunity to become reacquainted with your body of work and I felt compelled to tell you how fabulous I think it is.

Well over 200 murders! Impressive! And that was just when the cameras were around, I can’t even begin to imagine how many others there were when you escaped the public eye. Bravo ma’am, bravo.

That being said, I do have a few questions for you.

1.) How many siblings do you have? And are they the most fertile people on the face of the earth? Because I couldn’t help but notice that you have more nieces and nephews that any one person I know of. And they always seem to be the subject of a murder’s dastardly plan or at least somewhat involved with another person who is the subject of the aforementioned dastardly plan. Perhaps you have a brother who is the King of Siam? I figure with the wives and the courtesans that could explain away at least a third of the people who call you Aunt Jessica. And I imagine the king of Siam does have enemies so there’s the reason behind all the dastardly planning.

Next time you have a family reunion can you invite me? I figure with hundreds of people milling about they won’t notice one more. And let’s not kid ourselves, someone would end up dead by the end of the night so I’ll just eat their dinner so you don’t even have to set another place at the table.

2.) This is a two-parter: What high ranking public official do you have compromising pictures of? and Are you sure you understand the meaning behind the phrase “I don’t want to interfere”? Every single time someone ends up dead and the cops show up you tell them that you don’t want to interfere but then you go along and do just that. For some reason, outside of the cursory “stay out of my way” from a gruff detective, every cop in this country just let’s you traipse around crime scenes without a single objection. I’ve seen enough Law and Order to know that this is not normal. I’ve watched you single handedly compromise more crime scenes than the stereotypical rookie cops who doesn’t know better. How on earth are you allowed to keep doing that? It bottles the mind.

3.I know Cabot Cove is a quaint little place but seriously, do you not fear getting run over by a car every time you ride your bike down the middle of the road? Because every time I see you doing that I have to remind myself you can’t hear me as I scream “GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD LADY!!!”. Also why is it that you feel the need to jog while wearing long sleeves, long pants, and a towel around your neck? I get overheated just watching you.

Other than those few things, I’m a big fan. Every time I fire up Netflix I look forward to seeing which niece or nephew is going to show up and what hijinks they will drag you into. Always a good time.

Thanks and until next time;
Me.