Little known fact about myself- I hate calling people on the phone I do not know. I don’t know why, I just do.
Exception to this would be if I’m calling for some asinine reason, such as when I called Blockbuster and asked them to deliver.
The following is a transcript of a call between myself and a Walgreens (I think this is the first time I’ve ever noticed that there is no apostrophe in Walgreens) manager yesterday.
Walgreens automated service picks up demanding that I choose a number. Instead I keep hitting zero in hopes of catching an employee right before they head outside for a smoke break.
Walgreens Employee: in an exasperated tone, Walgreens something something, how may I direct your call?
Ironbunny (that’s me): Yes I would like to speak to a manager about an exciting business opportunity.
Walgreens Employee: Just one moment.
Note: Why why why did that work? There is no way that line should have gotten me through, but it did so we move on.
Walgreens Manager (WM): This is John (names have been changed to protect the innocent) how may I help you?
Ironbunny (IB): Yes John I was wondering how I would go about setting up a fund raiser car wash there in your parking lot.
WM: Okay, what group are you associated with?
WM: Oh, what team or league?
WM: So if you aren’t with a team or representing a group what will you be doing fund raising for?
IB: My best friend.
WM: Excuse me?
IB: I want to do a fundraiser for my best friend.
WM: May I ask what type of treatment your friend is going through?
IB: Treatment? None that I’m aware of. I mean her mom keeps telling her that there is drugs for her ADD but as far as I know she isn’t taking any.
WM: ADD? I thought your friend had some sort of disease or health issue. Why would you be doing a fundraiser for ADD?
IB: Well ADD drugs can be expensive but I wasn’t wanting to do a fundraiser for ADD, I want to do it so she can make some money and move down here.
WM: Excuse me? (note: not going to lie, I’m really surprised he is still on the phone at this point)
IB: You see she lives up in Missouri right now and she wants to move down here but she hasn’t found a job yet so she can’t. But if we could just find a way to make some money then she could.
WM: Ma’am, I don’t think that is a very good reason to have a fundraiser in our parking lot.
IB: Oh but I think it is. This situation defines the American Dream. You see she really really really doesn’t want to go back to her job. She feels as if her soul is being slowly leeched away and sees Georgia as a new opportunity, a new beginning if you will. That screams AMERICA!
WM: Ma’am I really don’t..
IB: Wait, I know what will convince you. We have a plan. A long term plan. A plan for the future.
IB: You see we are going to start a farm.
WM: A farm?
IB: Yes a farm. An organic farm. It’s just a matter of time before everyone will know our name thanks to our delicious agricultural offerings.
WM: What does a farm have to do with doing a car wash in our parking lot?
IB: Well when we get our farm going I don’t think it’d be too difficult to name a squash variety after Walgreens.
WM: You want to name a squash after the store?
IB: Well maybe not your specific store, more like Walgreens as a whole.
WM: Oh. Ma’am, I don’t think that this situation really falls into the guidelines we follow for allowing people to do fundraisers on our property.
IB: Is it a human interest angle you need? I’ve got it. Get this- my husband is probably leaving and I would be all alone down here with no family or friends, unless my best friend moved down here.
WM: Your husband is leaving you?
IB: Leaving me? No, he’s just moving for a… Yes, yes he is leaving me. Heartless bastard hooked up with some floosie downtown and came home last night saying he didn’t love me anymore and that he is leaving.
WM: I’m sorry ma’am that is horrible, but still not an appropriate reason.
IB: My dogs are going to go hungry!
WM: I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. I hope you get it worked out.
IB: It’s an investment!
WM: Ma’am, I’ve got to
IB: Fine, we’ll name the squash for you John. Forget Walgreens, it’ll be
WM: Ma’am I really need to get back to work.
IB: Are you married John? Dating anyone? Hiring even? For the store, not yourself.
WM: Have a good day ma’am.
IB: Wait! John! What can we do to…
I hung up and commenced to laughing hysterically. How on earth that conversation kept going is beyond me, but boy was it entertaining.
Unfortunately I now know that Walgreens probably isn’t going to be much of a help with getting my best friend some positive cash flow.