So we went on vacation to St. Thomas with our two friends, GoodFriend and MrGoodFriend.

One night we decided to go on a “sunset sail”.

Sounds innocuous right?

So wrong. So very wrong.

We barely even got on the boat before shit started to hit the fan. It was a catamaran so we (there was about 30 people on the boat) were all sitting in the salon area. There were baskets for our shoes.

Anyways, I go over to a seat and notice there are shoes in the basket on the end so I tell my friends and MrBunny to go sit further down the bench around the table there. As I’m sitting, the owner of the shoes comes literally running over. This little snot (who isn’t 120 pounds soaking wet) looks to me and goes “Excuse ME- SCOOT OVER.  Those are our shoes. This is my seat. SCOOT OVER. Excuse me. SCOOT OVER”, all while she is sitting down and scooting closer and closer, forcing me to move down even further.

Now this may come as a surprise but I am normally a rather nice person in dealings with strangers. But it took every ounce of will power to not just haul back and smack this bitch. She had about six feet of space for her and her boyfriend to sit down, not to mention that I was already scooting down, just waiting for my friends and husband to get seated.

She sat down and was practically laying down on the seat. Just added fuel to my fire.

Boat sets sail. Some food is served.

I get in line and who is in front of me? Of course she is.

Every single time I went to reach for the tongs in front of me she would decide she wanted some more and would reach back saying “Excuse ME, I wasn’t done.”

Oh yea.

Thankfully MissPriss decided to go sit up front and MrGoodFriend decided that something needed to be done. So in a very discreet manor he takes a little bit of the cheese and sticks it in her shoe that started this whole thing.

GoodFriend and I were sitting there laughing about the shoe situation until I found myself in a very precarious position.

How to describe this- I was sitting in the salon and people were standing on deck at just about eye level to me. GoodFriend and I were sitting there enjoying ourselves when I happened to look up and unfortunately my eyes were greeted with a clear shot up a guy’s swim trunks. Let’s just say I could have taken a guess as to this man’s religious heritage.

I turn to GoodFriend and say “oh my lord I hope that man is of age because if he isn’t then we might have a felonious situation on our hands.”

Wouldn’t you know, dude- correction: kid- walks back into salon and I’m officially a dirty old woman.

Of course by this time we are just fit to be tied. GoodFriend gets tickled and can’t stop laughing. She exclaims “dear 9 pound 6 ounce little baby Jesus” and one of the Ritz employees comes over and starts quoting Talladega Nights with us! If there hadn’t been cheese in the shoe and/or the underage gonad gazing, it would have certainly been a highlight of the evening.

Thankfully about this time we pulled back into the bay and rest assured we were the first ones off that boat.

Just goes to show- You can let the rednecks in the Ritz but that doesn’t mean they won’t put cheese in some uppity princess’ shoe.