Dear old lady neighbor… you ho bag lame ass bitch;

Let me take a few moments to express to you the words I was unable to come up with when I came across you raking the street this afternoon.

First off, let me say that it is really weird that you were raking the street.  Even odder that you were raking the street in front of my mailbox.  I was just coming out to put my Netflix movies (first season of Alias FTW) in the mailbox and next thing I know I’m being accosted by a crazy woman raking the street.

Understandably, I was somewhat taken aback and experienced a rare moment of what I’ve often heard referred to as “being speechless”.  This is a foreign concept to me and hate missing a chance to say my piece so here we go.

“I can’t live this way”

I assume you were talking about the offensive magnolia leaves that you happened to be raking.  I don’t really know what to say except that if the magnolia leaves in the corner of my yard bother you that much then you might want to seek out professional help.

“S (neighbor behind us) and I spend so much time on our yards and all you do is [mumble mumble something about peaches mumble maybe it was pizza mumble mumble] and it isn’t fair.”

First off-  you both pay people to come and do your lawns.  I could do that as well, but see… I don’t care about the moss and the three tufts of grass I have enough to pay someone to come tend to it.

Secondly, it really isn’t any of your business.  If I want to put up totem poles and install neon lights paying homage to my favorite Nascar (side note: apparently my computer’s dictionary does not have the redneck plug in installed because it is not recognizing Nascar as a word) driver that is my fucking prerogative.

Thirdly- life isn’t fair.  Quit whining and get over it.

“The neighbor S and I just wish you guys would pack up and leave”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :deep breath: hahahahahahahahahahaha

Really.

Wait- are we talking about the same neighbor who is a massive douche and never pulls her head out of her ass long enough to say hello no matter how many times we’ve said hello to her?  That neighbor?

The same neighbor who when Ginger got loose and peed in her yard she said that she was just going to send her dog over to my yard to pee.  I’d happily let that dog come over into our yard if it meant it was able to get out of the cage that they keep him in all day.  He could run and jump and play like dogs are supposed to.  That’s the neighbor that wishes we would just leave?  Ahhh.

Well here’s the thing- I’m 50 years younger than both you bitches so you can kiss it.

“You have such a wonderful sister and wonderful brother who come and try everything they can to help you and when they leave you just do nothing.”

Ummmm, WHAT THE FUCK?

Seriously- what on earth is this supposed to mean?

My sister came because she is a freak of nature and loves doing house crap.  As for my brother?  While I’m sure he did build the fence to help us- we paid him.  The goodness of his heart only goes so far as to paying his bills.

What really baffles me here is the “when they leave you just do nothing.”  How on earth would you know this?  Are you peering in my windows?  Because if you did you’d notice that I’ve done quite a bit on this house in addition to:

– Spending time applying for jobs I know that I’m not going to get.

– Making an ass of myself trying to follow along with the belly dancing workout show called Shimmy.  If you were watching me you’d know that I look like a brain dead zombie trying to hump a doorknob… surely this shouldn’t qualify as “nothing”

– Hours of my day are spent vacuuming up dog hair.

– I spend quality time trying to recreate the Life Alert commercials.  It takes time and effort to most accurately reenact the classic and endearing “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” scene.  You can’t fake that shit, people will see right through it.

– It takes time to perfect your Mario Kart technique.  Hours even.

Moving on.

“If this mess keeps my house from selling then I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Newsflash: there are hundreds of houses for sale in this general neighborhood alone.  All that have been on the market for months and in some cases, years.

If your agent has you convinced that my yard is what is going to keep your house from selling then you both live in a dream world.  Surely your house wont’ sell because we live in a crappy school zone (right next to a much sought after school zone… where there are also plenty of houses for sale), or because we live on a major street, or the fact you have no garage or carport, or your dated carpet and old lady decor.  DELUSIONAL!

“And you can tell your husband that too.”

Oh I did.  But you should know- he’s a vindictive son of a bitch.  Back when we were still engaged we got in a fight and broke up for about twelve hours (which prompted my brother’s phone call to MrBunny stating that he “did not approve of this breakup”).  In those twelve hours, he had my cell phone turned off.  I wouldn’t play this game with him- you will lose.

There’s something else you should know- he’s from Kentucky.  It would be nothing for him to throw a car up on blocks.

See if you can sell your house then you old hag.

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About Amanda Broyles

Amanda is amazing. Amanda is spectacular. Amanda is humble. Amanda is also a full time college student so take pity on her and don't complain when her TV reviews aren't up immediately following an episode.
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10 Responses to Dear old lady neighbor… you ho bag lame ass bitch;

  1. Martha says:

    Wow-Mandy Mandy Mandy….that neighbor of yours sounds like a piece of work….and I know A LOT of people that can help her-namely, the employees of any state mental health center! I can’t believe that you were actually speechless through this whole conversation though….but keep up the good blogging (and apparently, the belly dancing!)

  2. Kelly B says:

    What a slore. You make me laugh! I wish you were MY neighbor. Any convincing you to move to VA?

    • ironbunny says:

      Hiker- it’s only a matter of time until I will be a VA resident again. And a very good chance of your neck of the woods.
      But for now we are chilling in south Georgia.

      Steph and Red- imagine my husband’s shock when he found out I hadn’t said anything. When I first told him about it he was certain that he’d come home to find an old lady unconscious in the alleyway.
      I was just stunned. I stood there and honestly probably looked like a cartoon with my jaw hanging down near the ground.

  3. Stephanie says:

    Mandy, I laughed out loud reading this, because I can just hear your voice saying these things. Like Red, I can’t believe you had nothing to say in retaliation to this woman! Will be very interested to hear any escalation of your relations with this crazy lady 🙂

  4. Aunt Em says:

    Amanda, sweetie, you must have been really stunned to have not responded. Thankfully this does not happen much in our family. The lady the lives across the cul-de-sac hates me, but I don’t take it to heart, she hates the entire neighborhood because we are “Americans”. (she is from India). In 18 years she has not had a kind word for me, however, she has had plenty to say from time to time. I let her first nasty little words pass, and tossed it up to the fact that she must be suffering from menopause. However, the second time I let her have it with both barrels. When her “group” blocked my driveway I called the police, which really set her off. She made a remark about my “disgusting husband” and my response was that at least my husband doesn’t wear a skirt. And every encounter we have I tell her to go eat a steak and stop praying to the cow gods. The good news, next time you will be ready and fully loaded!!!!!!!

  5. Tena says:

    LOVE IT. You should totally put a baby magnolia tree on her front porch in the middle of the night one night.

  6. An Authority says:

    you seriously sound like pure, white trash. not from concentrate.
    clean up your yard and stop being lazy.

  7. Pingback: 2010 in review- thank you dog sex | Bird-day, and other little quirks

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