Mailbox update and my faith in humanity is lost

Posted on March 19, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

First things first- the thong wearing mailbox was not stolen.  I caught a glimpse of a propeller hat above the fence and when I went to higher ground to get a better look (I realize how stalkerish this makes me sound, no need to point it out), sure enough- thong wearing mailbox.

So I can only imagine that he either got tired of it (highly unlikely) or the city told him to take it down.  Either way, it has returned to it’s happy home in his backyard where it can hopefully no longer be the basis for random nightmares.

And as for my faith in humanity?

Gone.  Adios.  Kaput.

The last three days have been epically horrid in the land of RISTLTMB.

I should have known that once I mentioned being anally probed by aliens that things would get ugly.  But I had no idea.

I was truly unprepared for what possibilities lay in wait.

Never in my wildest dreams/nightmares did I ever think there was a person out there into Victoria era alien porn.

I was blindsided by the person looking for blowup dog sex dolls.

And I was creeped out by the situation that prompted someone to search for “slipped from uterus”.

What has the internet done to us?  When did it become okay to first think these things but then actually type them out hoping for results.  Who really needs to see Henry VIII (this is probably not at all in the Victorian era but who gives a rat’s ass- well except the dude who was specifically looking for the Victorian era alien porn) getting it on with ET?  Not I.

There aren’t many words to describe the sadness that is the blow up dog sex doll.  Can’t even find a real dog?  That is the true definition of loner.

And I’m not even going to touch the uterus thing.

That’s just gross.

I need to just stop looking.  I think it would be better for my well being in the long run.

Tomorrow- I’ll stop tomorrow.

But then again there will probably be something even worse tomorrow.  And part of me really needs to see how on earth it can get worse.  I’ll hate myself for it, but c’est la vie.

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Forget the futon

Posted on March 18, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

this is what I need-

031710-backpacksofa.jpg

Oh my god!  Can you even imagine how much fun it would be to fill up all those pockets? And then how much like Christmas it would be when three years down the road you find the flattened penny from the zoo you stashed in one of those little pockets?  It would be awesome.

Here’s the article.  I refuse to read it because I’m sure there is no way you can actually purchase this couch and there is even less of a chance I can convince MrBunny to purchase this couch.

But if you thought a futon would give my mother palpitations, imagine what a backpack/futon mashup would do!

On second thought, perhaps I shouldn’t get it because I happen to be fond of my mother and this would most assuredly kill her dead.

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BREAKING NEWS!

Posted on March 16, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

It seems as if the disturbing thong wearing mailbox might have possibly been stolen.

No, not by me.  Probably by the same little pieces of shit that stole Mrbunny’s bike while it was locked to the wall… while ignoring my completely unlocked right in front of it.  My bike’s feelings were hurt.  Heartless bastards.

Hopefully the neighborhood gossip will know something later on today.  Which means I’ll be spending most of the afternoon outside so I can just happen to catch her in the yard and get the skinny, purely by accident.

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The continuing saga: I need a theme song.

Posted on March 15, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

This is what I was thinking of as I sat at the ortho’s office this afternoon.  It would make it just that much more entertaining.

Ideally it would be a little ditty with the combined styles of Shaft and the Mr. Belvedere theme.

Someone needs to get on that.

Anyways, had an appt with a new dr. tonight.  I was explaining to him that before the boot the part where the tear is didn’t hurt but now it does.  And would you believe that he goes “immobilization can do that- which is why we don’t have people with back pain go on bed rest.  BUT, it usually works for foot and ankle issues.”

That’s right, once again I’ve been met with the lovely “this usually works but”.

I just can’t help but to be an original.  A trail blazer.  A trendsetter.

It is so difficult to be this awesome.

I’ve got another MRI on Wednesday night to get another look at my foot (a completely different pain from the ankle) and see if we can’t figure out what is wrong.

And I’m on another round of anti-inflammitories.   At this rate nothing in my body will become inflamed until at least the year 2013.

So yea.  Another test, another stab in the dark.

But for now he didn’t think that driving would be too much of a problem so you best your ass come morning I’ll be in my car running all over town!  Not really.  But I am going to the Y and getting in the pool.  I’m like a kid at Christmas I’m so excited by the prospect.

So tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel.

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RISTLTMB- Someone’s just fucking with me

Posted on March 15, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Seriously now.

This can not be real.

Well I know it is real but I’m 99% positive that it is from someone who’s been here before.

Because if there is someone out there who is actually turning to google for this, then the aliens might as well take over the planet because humanity as we know it is a distant memory.

Having baby sex with dog wife who has no underwear

Right?

Please someone own up to this.  Because I’m halfway into the fetal position readying myself to be anally probed by the alien scientists.

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MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!

Posted on March 10, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

So last summer I mentioned my bat shit crazy neighbor who liked to sleep in a hammock right on the corner of a busy intersection.

And how he was working on this monstrosity of a mailbox?

Well that mailbox made it’s debut today.  Unfortunately.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to erase this image from my brain.

And because I’m a giver… I’m going to share it.

Not the greatest of quality because I was trying to do it quickly and quietly.  Dude is a little imbalanced so I try to stay out of his way.

But seriously, check that thing out.  Complete with the green thong- just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

Now if you’ll excuse me- I’m off to find the brain bleach.

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Judge me

Posted on March 9, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

and my haphazardly thrown together bookshelves.  I can take it.

Remember my mother’s reaction to my first pics of the bookshelves?  When I pledged to find a futon just for her?

Score. (and while you’re judging my bookshelves go ahead and get a load of the kitchen counter!)

Friends of ours took two of our old bookshelves for their girls’ room.  When we were over there the wife said, “well do you guys want a futon in return?”

I have never said “yes” so quickly in my life.  Especially given my foot situation it is nice to have a place to lie down outside of the bed.

So there you go.

Oh and just because I was bored when I got the camera out-

Fredbird

and

Ginger.

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This Ugly House #stoppedcountingawhileago

Posted on March 8, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Oh my.  Where to start.

Well our haunted house struck again.  The morning after my post, the dude that had been working on our house quit.  Seriously, this place does bad things to those that come to work here.

But in the end we got everything done, which is always a plus.

Bookshelves-

\

The shelves are there now, and are completely full so I decided to go with this pic.  Makes it easier to imagine them all neat and organized.

But then when I looked at this picture

I realized that there weren’t finished as I thought.  The molding had not been put up yet so I guess I will take a picture of them now so I have one of them completed.  Or I could just wait until I paint them (which won’t be until after I get out of this boot because I nearly killed myself climbing up on the little stepstool thing when trying to clean out the kitchen cabinets the other day.  Boot =/= good balance.).

Anyways, we also had benches built in the breakfast room.  Another not quite finished but you get the general idea picture.

And underneath where the counter hangs over we put in cubby holes which fit shoes and baskets quite nicely.

Still looking for a table in here and then we’ll replace the floors in the den part and get new lighting and this room will be as close to done as we are going to get it right now!

Slowly but surely shit is coming together.  Which means we (or just MrBunny) should be moving soon!

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While I was gone…

Posted on March 7, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

We had a really pretty sunset-

And some snow-

Bronco was mildly interested, but Ginger…

was not amused.

And after a short while,

both dogs had had enough.

Tomorrow I’ll finally post the pics from our bookshelves and benches.

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I’m back bitches!

Posted on March 6, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Finally.

I have been computerless for way too long.

But it has been fixed and so I’m back up and running.

Too bad I’m not literally back up and running.  This weekend was the Disney Princess races of which I was working towards doing the 5K when my foot decided to puss out on me.

Still on crutches (might have to do with the week or so I went sans crutch thinking that I was better… I’m not) and have an ortho appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks.  I’ve about had it though.  MrBunny keeps saying “it will take a long time to heal” to which I keep responding “so will your face after I punch you.”  We have a very tender and loving relationship.

Anyways, that’s about it.  Off to rest my weary arms after crutching through Best Buy and Costco.

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Don’t eat the butter!!!!!

Posted on March 4, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Little known fact (which could be a widely known fact but I didn’t know it until I googled): butter will help dissolve tree sap from a dog’s coat.

Confession: in the fog of sleep you can be milliseconds from slathering dog hair infused butter on your husband’s English muffin.

So last year we had a ton of trees (only a slight exaggeration) taken down. The result was tree crap everywhere in the yard which would annoyingly find it’s way stuck to the dog’s fur. It would then mat and get all nasty. I tried cutting it out to no avail. So I went to the internets and found an answer. Butter.

You just take a glob of butter and work it into the glob of sap. After a while the sap is dissolved. Sounds easy right? Yea, not so much. Thing is dogs love butter. And as you are trying your best to remove what I can only imagine is a somewhat uncomfortable glob of tree sap and wood chips from their belly, they are trying their best to eat the butter from your hands. Makes for a very messy and greasy experience.

Anyways- moral of the story: if you have occassion to be at my house and I offer you something buttered, it would be in your best interest to say no thanks. Otherwise you might find yourself unintentionally flossing with some black lab hair.

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It’s like olden times or some shit.

Posted on February 24, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

It is official- I enjoy living in the 21st century.

I like getting my news in 140 characters.

I like reading books on an electronic device (seriously might be my favorite purchase in recent years).

I like playing games on a system that has more computing power than ever could have been imagined at the time I was born.

I like having a vast amount of information just waiting for the taking at my fingertips.

I do not like however, how reliant I’ve become on the trappings of the modern age.

Especially when one of those trappings goes tits up and I’m left wondering how on earth I am going to find out what is happening in the world.

My beloved Vaio is in the hands of Best Buy right now.  She might have been dropped awhile back and now might be showing the effects of that- in the form of the screen coming apart.  Luckily it was MrBunny who came across it first.  Because I’d have never heard the end of it if it was me.

I’ve got sort of a reputation around my family.  One of Bronco’s nicknames is “The Destroyer” but honestly, it would fit me just as well.  I am hard on belongings- just ask the people at Stride Rite who probably cringed when they saw my mother coming into the store (do they even do the “if your kid wears the shoes out before they outgrow them we’ll replace them” anymore?  Better question- does Stride Rite even exist anymore?).  Shoes never last longer than a year, and that is doing really well.  Clothes?  I’ve ripped the knees out of more pants than Bear Grylls.

But nothing comes close to electronics.  I can kill an electronic device in record time.  The fact that the computer has lasted as long as it has is really a shock.

Anyways, my computer is gone.  And of course we have to buy a car.

How on earth did people buy cars before the internet?  I can not even fathom what a pain in the ass situation that would have been.  I’ve looked at more spec sheets than really should be allowed.  As it stands right now I don’t know my Honda from my Audi.  The thought of looking at one more MGP rating makes me want to rip out my hair.

What I need to have happen is this: I’m going to sleep here in a little bit- when I wake up I would like a new car in my driveway.  It needs to be an automatic (no more two stick shifts for us!), be slightly bigger than the retiring Matrix, and fold flat- as in the back of car needs to be all level so that dogs and bags can coincide in harmony.

First person to deliver said car will receive my adoring love and affection.  And pretty much anything else they ask for.

I’d caution against asking for the laptop- I think the dog knocked it over or something.

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When it rains, it pours

Posted on February 10, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

First off… two more weeks on crutches.  Joy of joys.  Then I transition from crutches to walking with the boot over the next three weeks (if it’s feeling better that is).  Then I can move from the boot to a brace.  Which will probably mean I could drive again!  That would be really exciting.

So I’ve got the whole foot thing still going on.  Which means it would be a perfect time to get yet another toothache.  I could not sleep at all last night because it hurt so horribly bad.  Had some leftover Lortab sitting around and they did not even touch the pain.  That is pretty bad.

Went to the dentist this afternoon fully expecting him to give me an antibiotic and make an appointment for a couple weeks down the road.  Next thing I know- root canal!  So now I’m back in bed chilling out with my ibuprofen and vicodin and antibiotic.  Good times.  Then I go back in a couple of weeks for my broken tooth.  Actually I think I’m going to have them just knock me out and do a bunch of stuff at once.  That way I won’t have to keep going back.

Le Sigh.

Well at least one is taken care of now.  And being spaced out on drugs I won’t be tempted to go walking around on my healing foot.

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Glorious Day!

Posted on February 8, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

I had a virus. A virus of the computer variety. One that took my computer to it’s knees. And one that has unfortunately killed my trusty vaio more than once over the last couple of months.

But I’m back!

Here’s the problem with being married to an IT guy. He will fix it himself but it will take over a week. And each time I ask about it I get the same “I’m working on it” response. Working on it my ass.

Meanwhile my feed reader is stacking up in epic proportions. Thankfully google reader was kind and listed my unread items as “1000+” instead of an actual number. Makes it seem more manageable. I’m sure I’ll be skimming for a couple of hours at least.

I have a dr.’s appt this afternoon that I’m hoping will result in me walking out of there on my own two feet but seeing how the old familiar “twinge” has returned in the last couple of days, I’m not holding out much hope. Oh well. What’s three more weeks on crutches? :weeping in corner:

So I’m off to read about people’s weight loss, video game news, military photos, and the bsc >$1000 chick… good times!

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My house is haunted.

Posted on February 1, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

I don’t know if I’ve made this post before (wouldn’t be surprised if I have) but I’m going to go ahead and do it again.

Caveat: I have an extremely overactive imagination.  Does not mean that the following post is not true, but just keep that in mind.

Okay, so.

The carpenters are still here.  Well not right now but they just left and are coming back tomorrow to finish up.

We are standing around shooting the shit earlier and dude says “I think your house is haunted or something.”

If you could have seen MrBunny’s face at this moment it would have perfectly captured what it must be like to be married to me.  Because as soon as he said this I was like “I KNOW IT IS!!!” and MrBunny knew that this little bit of validation would be all I needed to get going.

Here’s the thing.  We’ve been in this house for almost a year now and there have been some downright spooky things that go on.

Our bathroom door for example.  It will shut itself.  I’ll hear the dogs drinking from the toilet, go back there to yell at them, and then find them sitting outside the bathroom door which is then completely shut.  And unless my dogs are the first canines with opposable thumbs (in which case I’ll be calling the newspapers instead of sitting here writing a blog post), something else must be closing the door.

I’ve tried to see if it’s just the way the house has settled but I’ve not once been able to make the door shut on it’s own.

That and there has been numerous times I’ve noticed that the dogs were quiet and found them sitting and staring at the bathroom door.  My dogs are not calm quiet creatures.  Bronco is hell on wheels, especially when he is out of my sight.  So for them to sit and stare is an odd occurrence.  But they do it- sit and stare (for quite a while) at the door that closes itself.

Back to the carpenter.  Apparently while doing the project at our house he has had two guys who had worked for him for years both quit within days of each other for different reasons.  The one guy quit on Friday afternoon (in my driveway no less!) and then the other kid quit this morning.

On it’s own wouldn’t be that weird.  But when it’s coupled with two other occurrences in that last year it gets a little creepy.

When we had the tree guys here (oddly enough to remove trees) one guy had a heart attack and two guys ended up quitting- while working here.  Then we had the group that did the yard.  Three of them were arrested after the first day of working on our yard.  The boss came by the next day to finish the job himself because in addition to the three in jail, his one other employee had quit.

That is five people quitting, three arrests, and one heart attack- in one year.

Even the most skeptical amongst us have to admit that all those things together are a little freaky.

I’m totally calling the Ghost Adventures guys.  That’d be entertaining.

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My Christmas list

Posted on January 28, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Hey, might as well.  Got nothing but time here.

 

First off- something that will make my mother have a heart attack.

It’s a big bean bag chair that has a king size “bed” inside it!  How cool is that?  And it would be made even better by the look on my mom’s face when I ask her to have a seat.  The horror would know no bounds.  Pure entertainment.

 

The Klipsch LightSpeaker System

This one is a little dicey seeing as I have no can lights in either room that I would put this in, but still- it would be pretty kick ass.

 

This shirt:

Awesome on so many levels.  Actually I’d pretty much take anything from SplitReason.com

 

A VitaMix blender

I asked for a mamajama blender for christmas this year but didn’t get it (although I did get a gift certificate for the Garmin 305 that I’ve yet to order).

And this might be the most mamajama of all mamajama blenders.  I want ice to crush itself when it gazes upon it’s gleaming blades.  That would rock my world.

 

These boots-

Ahhh Dr. Martens how I love you.  And I love these boots.  Slip on, which is always nice.  Just fabulous.

 

The Honda Element

More specifically the Honda Element with a few of the “dog friendly” options. Especially the ramp.  Neither Ginger nor Bronco has trouble jumping but they wreak havoc on the finish of the bumper.  And the kennel is just a nice feature.  I love this car.  Ability to get seats completely out of the way?  Would be so very helpful. We never use the passenger seats and they just collect dog hair.

 

I think that pretty much does it.  Oh and world peace.

Yea that’d be nice.

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This Ugly House aka My mother has issues

Posted on January 27, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Wow it’s been forever since I’ve done one of these it seems.

I’ve got the living room painted but not trimmed- no picture there.  I’d take one right now but it looks as if world war III just concluded in there.

I did get the hallway done, don’t know if I posted that picture already but here it is again, in case I didn’t.

I love that picture because my floors look amazing in it!  Trust me, in real life- they look nothing like that.  At all.

But that is all old news.

We’ve got good things happening round these parts!

Bookshelves!!!!!!

They are (hopefully obviously) not done but the carpenters are coming back on Friday to put up the molding and then there is going to be a desk in between them.

I’m very excited about it.

Not only that but we are also putting in two benches in the breakfast room (with storage- woot!) which will also be done on Friday.

Now I just need to find a new kitchen table and I’ll be set.

Oh and my mother.

My mother.

She has issues of the furniture nature.  I put the bookshelf picture up on flickr and within the hour she had already commented that “wow, this would look even better with real grown up furniture in front of it.”

And just because of that statement- I’m now looking for a futon.

Take that mother!

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It is your lucky day.

Posted on January 27, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

I found my little point and shoot in the nightstand.

So now I bring you:

Incredibly boring videos of my day!!!!11!!!1!!

Brace yourself for the excitement here folks.

And don’t fret, Bronco got in on the action as well!!!!

I know, I know- that is way too much excitement for one day.

So I’ll save the rest for later.

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One week down!

Posted on January 26, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Ahhh, one week down hopefully only two more on crutches.  Please dear heavenly father let there only be two more weeks on crutches.

So what have I done to entertain myself you might ask?

This:

— I’ve done a “which deodorant works better when lying in bed doing nothing?” comparison test.  Which I think the Lady Mitchum came out ahead on.  In fairness though- it’s competitor was the Secret Clinical waterproof and while I’m sure it is a great product, I’m not doing many water sports nor sweating all the much while lying here, so I do feel that it’s selling point is being under-appreciated.

— Kept the new puppy cam live feed up so I can watch as the two dogs go ape shit when the puppies start crying.

— Played a lot of pogo games.  Won four badges so far this week.  Working on the “casino album”.  Awesome.

— Read.  A lot.  I think I’ve finished three books so far.

— Read even more.  My google reader is getting a bit out of control.  But I’ve got the time so why not.

— Research sports bras.  I don’t know why but I spent a good amount of time looking at sports bras the other day.

— Tried (successfully so far) to convince myself that there is absolutely no need to buy a night vision monocular from woot!  No need whatsoever.

Ahhh, pretty productive if you ask me.

Here’s to two more weeks!

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Oh dear heavenly father, that was disgusting.

Posted on January 26, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Because I’m unable to work out- and have been unable to work out for quite some time- I’ve had to be super vigilant about what I’m eating.

Let’s forget for a moment that I had pizza for dinner because the carpenters were here and our blue room furniture was in the kitchen area and still hasn’t moved and shit I just realized that the dishwasher is probably going to be arriving any moment now and MrBunny needs to clear out the kitchen so they can install it and shit the carpenters are coming back to finish the breakfast room…  okay, regroup.

So- I’ve had to be vigilant about what I’m eating.

It hasn’t been too hard over all.  I’ve still got a bowl of hershey’s kisses and rolos and random other chocolate that made it’s way here over the holidays sitting on the kitchen counter and has barely been touched.  It’s mainly my “sweet tooth attack” allowance of a piece or two.

Thing is- sometimes I find myself getting stuck in a rut and look for things to entertain me meal wise in the morning.  I get tired of eggs and other breakfast stuff (because I’d love nothing more than to bust out the grits!) and I love my green monster (milk, spinach, bsn dessert protein chocolate coconut candy bar flavor- yum) but even that doesn’t fit the bill all the time.

So I try shaking things up.  I was searching for such a thing this morning when I looked in the freezer and saw this.

This defines impulse buy.  It was one of those things that I came across while farting around on the internet and thought- you know, I like berry flavored stuff, why don’t I try that?

I should have just moved on.

But I didn’t.  I bought it and I tried it.

And it wasn’t bad.  I forget what I added it to but I remember thinking, well that’s different, and then putting it back into the freezer until this morning.

I’m crutching along in the kitchen so I can’t really do too much in depth so I decided to go the easy route and just try the Amazing Grass again with just water.

Oh. My. God.

What a horrible horrible idea.

Imagine if you were to take a bit of sand and mix it with water and then try and drink it.  And because sand doesn’t dissolve, every single one of those grains of sand hits the back of your throat.

That is exactly what this was like.

And for some reason when I panic over stupid shit like this, I just freeze.  Ask MrBunny about the time that I took a swig from a Dr. Pepper can that had a cigarette butt in it… while driving.  Let’s just say we almost died that night.

I thought I was dying this morning.  My body was in flux- didn’t know if it should swallow or upchuck.

Now that I think about it, I don’t think I did either.  I just spit out what was in my mouth and started doing the “dear god I just drank the most vile shit ever and now I really need to get that taste out of my mouth” dance as well as I could on crutches.

It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Part of me really really really wants to open up the trashcan and pitch that tub of nastiness in, never to be seen or heard from again.  But the other part of me is like- what the fuck!  You spent god only knows how much on that crap you better find a way to make it palatable!

So….

I don’t suppose anyone has an idea on how to make berry flavored “super food” palatable besides sneaking it into a 1 to 100 ratio smoothie or something?

All I know is until I hear of a way to avoid the sand in my gullet sensation again- the Amazing Grass stays in the freezer.

In the back.

Behind the salmon fillet that’s been there for months.

Ugh.

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