An Episcopalian Emergency

Posted on December 30, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

There are some people that you consider friends and one day you wonder to yourself- “why on earth am I friends with this person?”

I have never once thought that with my best friend.

It is probably because we pretty much the same person.  We always joke that we are going to someday write a book called “Separated by hair color”- it is going to be amazing.

We share a brain.  There aren’t many people who would find feeding refried beans to a taco bell dog pez dispenser nearly as hysterical as we did.  How many people would have zero issue doing silly walks and/or singing at the top of your lungs through wal-mart?  Who else would go on a road trip only to end up hanging out at the Econo Lodge watching really bad Lifetime movies ( I like how I say that implying that there are really good Lifetime movies)?  We are also similarly accident prone- she once broke her foot really badly while dancing in her kitchen and I once knocked myself unconscious with a concussion thanks to a particularly forceful sneeze and a badly placed dresser.

But this story?  This story probably is the best picture of how perfect we are for each other.  And if one of us mentions an Episcopalian Emergency the other will immediately laugh.  Good times.

Here goes.

One summer when we were both in St. Louis (a rarity) we took up the strange habit of driving all over the city/county in the middle of the night.  I’m not totally sure how it started but probably was due to both of us living with our parents and just wanting to get out for the least amount of money possible.  When I say all over the city, I mean all over the city.  It wasn’t unheard of for us to see the chow mein shops of downtown St. Louis at the beginning of the night and the Bush Wildlife Refuge all the way out in St. Charles a couple of hours later.  It was insane.

While driving we would talk about pretty much anything.  One particularly deep conversation involved trying to decide if Jesus wore boxers or briefs.  It is sort of amazing that theologians are not knocking our door down wanting our opinions on the matter.

Anyways- one night we were driving along and ended up on this back back back woods road (it probably isn’t that desolate as I remember but it was the middle of the night so it seems really Scooby Doo-ish in my head) where there wasn’t a car or a street light in sight.

There we were just minding our own business when all of a sudden appears a set of headlights behind us.  We didn’t think anything of it at first, I mean why would we?  It’s just a car.  No big deal.

Except the car kept following us.  We would pass house after house (not very close together) and the car just kept following.  After about a mile or so, the extremely overactive imaginations in the car took over.  This car was following us to find a secluded spot where the nutcase inside was going to run us into a ditch and then hatchet murder us.  No, they were following to try and get a good look at our license plate to report us for driving down that street in the middle of the night for no reason because they had nothing better to do.  Better yet, the person driving was really lonely, saw us drive by their house, got in their car and started following in the hopes that we would lead them to some awesome party and want to be their friend forever.

I think in the end we decided upon the hatchet murder scenario as the most likely.  Never once did we consider that it might just be someone driving down the same street as us.  This scenario never even came into play.

So of course now that we’ve decided that the person driving was indeed a hatchet murderer we grew even more wary with each surpassed driveway.  I considered jotting down my last will and testament on the back of a lottery scratcher.  I didn’t even have time to consider that with no way to notarize it, the will would be invalid and really what did I have to leave of any value anyway? MY GOD WHY WAS THIS PERSON FOLLOWING US?!?!?!?!?!?!

And then they turned.

Into the Episcopalian church parking lot.

What on earth is happening that is so important that someone needs to go to the Episcopalian church at two in the morning?

Episcopalian emergency- the only thing that makes sense.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Not so frequently asked questions

Posted on December 29, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

With my recent fame (go ahead and laugh, it’s okay) has come an uptick in both traffic and people asking questions about myself and the blog.

I say “not so frequently asked questions” because I think only one question has been asked by more than one person.  But hey, I’m bored, and cold (I’m bound and determined to recoup some of the millions spent on air conditioning by not turning the heat up very high, you can put more clothes on but you can’t take more off), and figured I’d answer some of them.

1. The most asked question: Who is MrBunny?

I really didn’t think this was a secret but MrBunny is my husband.  Why is he MrBunny would be a better question.  One day on the message board I frequent (bb represent) we were talking about pet names you have for your husband and vice versa.  I told them that MrBunny calls me “Bunny” (which his dad calls his mom but I refuse to think of the oedipal implications) or “Iron Bunny”, thanks to a crappy kung fu movie named “Iron Monkey”.  They quickly grabbed onto that and “MrBunny” was born.  That combined with the fact that he is an information security guy and doesn’t like many details given out and it looks like MrBunny is here to stay.

2. Did you go to school for writing?

One- you must not have gone to school for writing otherwise you’d notice that any professor worth their weight would fail me for sure.  I’m a big fan of fragments and run-on sentences as well as ill and often placed parenthesis and incorrectly used dashes which would not pass muster.

Two- I’m a three time college dropout.  So even if I did go to school for writing, I wasn’t there long enough for anything to stick.  Actually I was a french horn performance/religious studies/voice performance/philosophy major- not all at once though.

3. Does your family think you are funny?

Not at all.  As a matter of fact MrBunny has informed me on many occasions that I am not funny.  But (another thing that would drive an English professor nuts is my proclivity to start sentences with both ‘but’ and ‘and’.) this is coming from the man that laughs hysterically at Family Guy and Dirty Jobs so I’m okay with not being funny to him.  However comma it should be noted that now that I’m being paid to be funny he is finding my humor much more palatable.

As for the rest of my family- still no.  My baby sister is the comedian of the family for sure.  Actually when one of my aunts read my column over christmas instead of thinking it was funny she told me that I should “rejoice in the lord’s birth and being with family no matter if there was stove top or not”.  Yea.  No really, she did.

But in the end it doesn’t really matter because I am my own biggest fan.  I crack myself up more than anyone and I’m okay with it.

My mother says I’m a legend in my own mind and my response is always “now I just need to convince everyone to think like me.”

Slowly but surely….

4. D0 you make up all those stories you tell?

Don’t I wish.  Turns out I’m one of those people that is constantly finding themselves in situations (either manufactured or by blind luck) that turn weird or funny in a heartbeat.  Outside of the rare occasion (the walgreens fundraiser for example) I don’t seek out these situations, they just find me.  Also I’m 32 years old and have just been writing these down in the last year or two so I’ve had about 25 years of stories to fall back on.

5. What is with “bird-day”?

For whatever reason, I am incapable of pronouncing the ‘th’ in ‘birthday’ correctly.  It comes out as bird-day and always has.  At this point I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to correct it so I just embrace it.

6. This one is for all the butthurt out there- Are you a bitch like this in real life?

Yes.  Furthermore- I’m perfectly knowledgeable of the ramifications of karma, don’t really feel all that sorry for my husband, and am okay with the number of friends I have.  But thank you for being so concerned.


Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Squeee!!!

Posted on December 27, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

A new Elbow album comes out on March 7th!!!

Although Christmas has just passed, I feel like I’m waiting for Santa to come visit.

Thankfully the band has released a video to give a little taste and tide those of us not so patiently waiting over.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Awkward Turtle

Posted on December 22, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, or you are one of those creepy stalker people (get the hell out of my bushes!) who go back and read everything, this post might seem familiar.  Because it is.  I posted it back in December of ’08 but brought it back because it is that awesome.

Enjoy.

This is a Thanksgiving story and while I could change it to Christmas… just go with it.

A couple of years ago I was in the big LA (that would be Louisiana) for Thanksgiving with my family.  My little sister made dinner (with a little help from others) and I made desserts.  I must say it was nice to have a perfect pecan pie right out of the gate, although my brother thinks I’ve gone and shot myself in the foot and set the bar way too high.  We shall see.

Anyways.  Somehow at dinner the topic came up of an incident I had been part of a few years prior.  It is a true classic and I made the comment that it was probably one of the most awkward moments of my entire life.  And as my baby sister pointed out, coming from a person who makes a habit of embarrassing themselves, that is a pretty bold statement.

So I figured I should share the story with the world- you’re welcome.

It was my first Thanksgiving away from home.  I was something like 16 hours away, would be going home at Christmas (actually flew out at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning thanks to some very kindhearted parishioners who took me to the airport.), and really didn’t have the time to get away so I stayed.  Thankfully there were a few families in the parish that offered to have me over for dinner that day.  I ended up accepting two of the invitations.

Now before I delve in here, it should be noted that I am the worst at wanting a pretty picture.  Norman Rockwell and I are tight.  I love the family at the table all gazing upon the recently thawed and perfectly roasted turkey; Dad in the background, carving knives at the ready.  Throw in some candles and I am salivating.  And that’s just Thanksgiving.  Don’t get me started on Christmas!  I’m so bad that one year when I wasn’t home for Christmas my family took the opportunity to use paper plates.  Communists.

Also- there is very little in my family’s holiday dinners that comes from a box or can.  I think it might be only the cranberry sauce that comes from a can- and even that gets mashed up to get rid of the ridges.

So imagine my slight disappointment when I show up that afternoon at the first family’s house and there is canned green beans, instant mashed potatoes, and a sad little turkey breast.  Paper plates and plastic cups.  I was crushed.  But I had a great time.  I absolutely loved the family and it really is one of my favorite memories of my time there.  Still there was a tiny part of me that missed home and all the pomp and circumstance that comes with a holiday meal.

Which brings me to the second meal, later that evening.  I showed up and I swear I could hear the angels sing as I gazed upon the wonderful setting before me.  A table, splendidly set; a crisp note in the air of roasted turkey mingled with apples simmering in cinnamon.  And the candles!  Oh the candles!  They were everywhere.  The family was dressed in their holiday best and there was an electric anticipation that you could just feel surrounding you.

This was what I had been missing.  It was all I had hoped for and more!  The family- minus the mother in law and the hostess (who had invited me)- and I sat down to the table and awaited the arrival of what was sure to be a beautiful meal.  The host stood ready with his carving knife and the rolls had the faintest wisp of steam rising from their basket.  It was perfect.

Until a voice came from the kitchen.

Now it has been quite a number of years since this occurred and frankly, I think my subconscious has been trying to block this memory out for some time now, so I don’t remember exactly how it went but the first thing I heard was the hostess screaming that “nothing is ever good enough!” at her mother in law.

The mother in law responded with some witty quip about how the hostess was in no way “good enough” for her son and you can only imagine how it went from there.  It just got louder and louder as the family and I got quieter and quieter.

To say it was awkward is like saying Attila the Hun was a bully.  No one looked at each other.  We just sat there in tortured silence.  Occasionally someone would wince or take in a sharp inhalation of shock over what had been said.

This went on for an agonizing amount of time.  I want to say that it was at the very least ten to fifteen minutes but truthfully, I was too afraid to look at my watch so I’m not sure.

Finally, I couldn’t handle it any more.  I nervously cleared my throat and slowly stood up as I told my fellow sufferers that I thought it would be best to just go on and leave.  The looks of desire, longing, and helplessness I received will haunt me until my dying day.

So I folded my beautiful linen napkin and placed it back on the plate.

Pushed my chair back under the table.

Took one last, longing look upon a picture that would make Norman proud, and I got the hell out of there!

I never mentioned it to the hostess and she never breathed a word of it to me.  I don’t even know if they ever got to eat that night.  I just know I’m glad I wasn’t there for the aftermath.  I don’t do well with awkward.  I talk a lot to begin with (that sounds you just heard? It was every one I’ve ever met saying “that’s an understatement) and when awkward hits- so does the verbal diarrhea.

I learned a valuable lesson that day.  I would take paper plates and a happy family over a beautiful table and a screaming mother in law in the kitchen every day of the year!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas/holiday/whatever and it is relatively peaceful… instant mashed potatoes and all.  But if you happen to use Stove Top- forget everything I’ve said.  That is an unforgivable abomination.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Nancy Lopez tried to kill me.

Posted on December 16, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

This should come as a surprise to no one but I am a huge sports fan.  Outside of Nascar and professional basketball, I will watch pretty much anything.  MrBunny has often stated that I would watch midget log rolling but I think that is a slight exaggeration.

One of my favorite sports, however, is golf.  And while I do enjoy the PGA, I love the LPGA.  Why?  First off- it’s chicks and being a woman I like to see chicks excel in sport.  Who watches women’s college basketball on ESPN2 in the middle of the night? Me.  Who was heartbroken when softball was cut from the Olympics?  Me again.

The LPGA has been in my lifetime pretty much the only sport in which you could see women competing with any regularity- the Olympics are awesome and all (Bob Costas I love you) but waiting every four years sucks.

That and my dad is a huge golf fan so growing up we watched a lot of golf, men or women- it didn’t matter.  Lee Trevino, Julie Inkster, Fred Couples, Meg Mallon, Chi-Chi Rodriguez, Hollis Stacy- these were the people I watched each weekend.

All that leads up to this.  I love Nancy Lopez.  Love her.  While most teenage girls had posters of teen heart throbs (which I did as well but I can’t think of who), there on my wall, right next to my Kermit Calvin Klein poster was a picture of Nancy Lopez.

When she came in second (again) in the Women’s US Open in ’97, I was geniunely broken hearted for her.  To have such a celebrated career and come so close to winning the Open that many times… ugh.  I can’t imagine.

Anyways.

She lives here in southwest Georgia and a friend of ours knows her.  Somehow she came up in conversation one night and friends says, hey I can tell you where she lives.  I quickly said “please don’t” because the temptation to become a stalker would be very strong and I’m not sure I’d be able to resist.  It’s the same reason why I have yet to visit Gladys Knight’s restaurant in Atlanta.  Well that and I don’t want Gladys to take out a restraining order against me when I refuse to leave.

That night I went home and went to bed, still thinking of Nancy Lopez.

It was then I had one of the strangest dreams ever.

Somehow Nancy Lopez found out of my love for her (much like when my old boss got a little tipsy at a party and told Bob Costas’ then wife that I had a crush on her husband) and invited me over.  Giddy as a school girl I went over to Nancy Lopez’s house and had what I thought was a lovely visit.

I’d been at her house awhile when she started to make dinner.  I didn’t think anything of it until one of assistants (for some reason she had like twelve assistants) pulled me aside and told me not to eat the food.  I laughed thinking she was yanking my chain but she got all serious and was like, “no really.  Do not eat the food.  Nancy Lopez is trying to poison you.”

I was crushed.  I couldn’t figure out where I had gone wrong.  Perhaps I had told her I loved her too many times.  Or maybe she didn’t like the cross stitch I did of her face.  Or perhaps I shouldn’t have offered to wash her car- I mean who offers to wash someone’s car they just met?

With a heavy heart I left Nancy Lopez’s house only to sit in my car and cry.  Why Nancy Lopez?  Why?!?!?!

It was then I woke up and realized that perhaps it was time to up the meds.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

The greatest funeral ever.

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

First off- if any of my extended family happens to come across this, it is meant in good fun and don’t get your panties all in a twist.

We had just moved to Florida and my dad calls.

“Hey your grandmother’s sister just died and she can’t go to the funeral.  She (the grandmother’s sister) didn’t live far from you so maybe you could take one for the team and go make an appearance.”

Sure, why not?

Now as a former music director, I have been to countless funerals.  They are pretty standard.  Usually the only thing of the ordinary is when it is really obvious that the family/friends hasn’t been to mass since childhood.

This funeral, however, was one for the ages.

I was getting dressed and I hemmed and hawed over what to wear.  I didn’t know these people so I wasn’t sure if they were dress in black or dress in color type of a crowd.  Didn’t know if it was a more formal situation or if it was a more casual affair.  In the end I decided on a simple woven shirt and black pants.  I might have grabbed a jacket just in case, I don’t remember.

I arrive at the cemetery and quickly realized that my concerns for being under-dressed were wholly unfounded as one of the family members walked up the aisle wearing jean cutoffs and a Harley Davidson tank top.  Then there was the son-in-law who just happened to have a guitar and sang some song about momma being proud of him.

The service (?- I have no idea what you would call the funeral home part but I’m going with service) was over and we headed outside for the burial.

It’s then that things started to get a little weird.

Keep in mind that there is only one person, maybe two, at this thing that I’ve ever clapped eyes on and that was when I was a toddler so my recollection would never be trusted in a court of law.  Yet there are people coming up to me and hugging me (I’m not a big hugger and definitely not a stranger hugger!) telling me how sorry they are for my loss!  One guy says something about how he was married to my great-aunts daughter but they had been divorced for fifteen years or so but he just loved that Butch.

Oh yea, my great-aunt went by Butch.  Awesome.

*sidenote: It is all together possible that this funeral was not for Aunt Butch and that I’m confusing her with another aunt but to clarify this I would have to call my mom and my phone is in the other room so I’m sticking with Aunt Butch.  But in all honestly does it matter if it was actually Aunt Butch that died?  I have a great aunt who is known as Butch- that is awesome enough that semantics have no place.

Edit: My brother was quick to inform me that the aunt who died was not Butch and not only that but Butch is still alive and kicking.  Ooops.

The random hugging continued until people started heading towards their cars.  Never one not to follow a crowd, I went to my car as well.  I took advantage of that moment of people and non-compromised personal space and called my mother to share the events as they had happened so far.  During that phone call some random man leans in through my open window and hugs me!

If ever there was a need for mace (and if a funeral were an appropriate setting for the macing of a creepy individual) this was it.  I can not even imagine what prompted him to do that.  Was it the partially open window?  The fact I was on the phone?  The look of horror that I can only imagine was broadcast clearly across my face?

We will never know.

Anyways.  So I’m in the car and the cars in front of me start moving.

Honest to god, I drove about 30 yards before we stopped and people were getting out of their cars.  I’m not sure where the breakdown in communication was but seriously there was zero need for a motor vehicle of any sort to be involved in this change of venue.  I started laughing but was able to compose myself long enough to get out and head up to the mausoleum.

As if this wasn’t the strangest string of events already, one of the funeral home workers was passing out bottles of water.  I don’t think I’ve ever been to a burial that provided refreshments before and I think it’s an idea that could take off.  Why be parched as you send off your loved ones?  They would want you to feel well hydrated, I’m sure of it.

So we’re sitting there, funeral home man (who I am fairly positive had never met the woman he was committing to the earth- hell I didn’t know the woman and I could tell he didn’t!) is doing is thing, progressing as it usually does.

Then there were words spoken that to this day make me laugh just thinking about it.  I did not think that this even could get any odder but I was sooooo wrong.

Because as he closed his book the preacher/funeral director/man they found roaming the streets said “And now it is time for *insert great-aunt’s name that I can’t remember here* to go night night.

It took every single ounce of self-control I had, which is not a lot, to not lose it right then and there.  Given the water bottle situation I’m surprised there wasn’t at least one spit take.  But this crowd was not in the least bit fazed.  Amazing really.

After that I made my way to the family, introduced myself, was told that there was no mistaking that I was my father’s daughter, gave my condolences, and then I was out of there.

Thankfully I made it back to my car before I started laughing (don’t be too impressed with that seeing as I only had a short hop, skip, and a jump to get there).

And it was then I made a promise to myself.  My best friend may want her thumbs to twiddle as she lay there in repose but when it is my time to be lowered into the dirt- I want the priest to wish me night-night.  Seems only right.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 1 Comment

The time I tried to put Santa hats on my dogs

Posted on December 9, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Through the wonders of the internet, I’ve met and become good friends with a group of women. Through the years we’ve become a close knit crowd and around Christmas/Chaunakah/Holidays/Festivus we exchange cards.

I’m not a person that usually sends out cards but for some reason I decided hey why the hell not.

I set out to make the most kitschy card ever. I was going to have Santa hats, fake fireplace, and tree with presents. Perhaps Ginger would wear an angel costume.

Then I realized how insane that would be and opted on just the hats.

Have you ever tried to put a Santa hat on a dog? More importantly a psycho puppy?

Santa hats were a no go.

Instead we headed outside and I commenced to try and get at least a decent picture of the three of them.

007

There’s always one window licker.

017

And this one wasn’t bad despite Ginger looking like a ray of sunshine or part of the concrete.

Then I got a great idea. What if I took a picture of me and the dogs. That’d be cute right?

Wrong.

011

I sat down and was immediately attacked by two black labs who wanted nothing more than to shove nasty tennis balls in my face in the hopes that I would throw them.
And where is Ginger in all this? Sitting mere inches from the left side of the photo there with a look of utter embarrassment and disgust.

So as you can see my photo session didn’t go as planned. But it might have brought forth one of the best Christmas cards in recent times.

I present to you- my Christmas card.

Hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas season and a fantastic New Year!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Request to tent manufacturers

Posted on December 7, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Can we go ahead and make this a little bit more difficult to achieve?

Bad dog

I’d greatly appreciate it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

How not to remove a window air unit.

Posted on December 2, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

It is finally getting cold here in south Georgia so I figured it was time to bite the bullet and remove the window units.

Don’t you have central air?  Yes as a matter of fact I do have central air but I also have an old system that decided to crap out in one of the hottest weeks this summer and so we bought a couple of window units.  They have been fantastic.  Especially in those last few weeks where it wasn’t hot enough to get the entire house cold but too hot to sleep comfortably, turn on the window unit- perfection.

But like I said, it’s getting cold and the heat register for our bedroom is right underneath the window so the a/c had to go (especially since we did not weather strip it at all so the cold air was just pouring in.

Here are some things I learned in this process.  Things I will hopefully remember next year.

Dear self:

1. That window unit has been sitting there for months.  You have been living in south Georgia for long enough to realize that if anything sits for longer than a few minutes then it will be covered in pollen and pinestraw.  Not sure why you thought it would be all right to just pull it on in the house without checking the top of it.  Sidenote: remember to pull up register to clean out pinestraw you dumped down it.

2. Once again- been here awhile now, lizards are everywhere.  And when it gets cold they might just seek out a small little opening in which hot air (for which you are paying) is pumping out of.  The appropriate response is not to scream and damn near drop the a/c.  Just give a quick nod and tell him to move.  If he decides to then crawl up inside the window ensuring a gruesome death when the window closes, there isn’t much you can do.  No blood on your hands, you gave him plenty of warning with the stick thing to the blinds.

3. When the halfassed weather stripping job falls from the window, it is not a lizard and therefore once again, screaming and nearly dropping the a/c unit again is not an appropriate response.

4. When you hear water pouring onto the floor don’t automatically assume it is one of the dogs peeing.  The time you spend trying to twist around (still holding a/c unit precariously on windowsill) to see which one is peeing and tell them to stop and go to their room will only allow more water from the a/c unit to POUR onto the floor and down the register.  Sidenote: remember towels when cleaning up pinestraw which is now wet pinestraw.

5. For the love of god that piece of plastic that is whipping around in the draft is not a lizard!

6. There is more water in the unit than you think.  But don’t worry- you’ve got three dogs who seem to like the taste of water that’s been sitting inside a window unit for god only knows how long.

I’m beginning to think it would be best if these things don’t make a return appearance.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

I feel as if I should start paying Walgreens

Posted on November 16, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

for the entertainment they provide me.

First there was the carwash debacle.  Speaking of- it looks as if Walgreens has a new manager so I’m much more comfortable speaking while in there.  It was getting rather difficult to tell the pharmacist why I was there when I was afraid to speak above a very low whisper.  For all they knew I had a very strange rash in various unmentionable places.

But the carwash phone call wasn’t my first run in with Walgreens’ brand of entertainment.  Oh no.

Once when I was sitting there waiting for a prescription there was a woman in the drive thru who refused to leave without a script that walgreens couldn’t fill without some authorization or whatever. I was there for about half an hour and have no idea when the whole thing started but she left shortly before I did after they finally called the cops on her crazy ass.  It was insane.  I could hear her screaming at the chick through the window/drawer/phone combination.  Made that half hour fly by.

Which brings us to this afternoon. I go to walgreens as I often do and as I’m walking out this guy is standing by the door.  I’m walking to my car and he goes “you look like a rugged woman.  I like rugged women.” There is so much going on with that statement that it took me a minute to really piece through it.

First- what qualifies a woman as “rugged”?  Chopping wood?  Haling bay?  Hauling in shrimp nets that are totally full?  Driving a covered wagon down the Oregon Trail hoping to avoid the dreaded dysentery?

Secondly- what exactly about me qualifies me as “rugged”?  Especially in the ten seconds you saw me (dear god I hope it was only ten seconds and this man hasn’t been following me around south georgia hoping for a chance to steal a lock of my hair.)?  Was it the khaki pants?  Or perhaps the grey tshirt?  Not sure.

Thirdly- what is it about those rugged women that you like?  Do you rest easy at night knowing that your woman can go plant the north forty and then come home and make you supper?  Or perhaps that she can kick anyone’s ass who threatens you after you’ve been found a cheater while playing pool in a dark, smoky, less than desirable establishment that serves alcohol in excess?  One that doesn’t hesitate to pick up the washing machine and move it outside to the moving truck because she got tired of waiting for you to return with the dolly? Is that what draws you in?

Because yes, I am that woman.

So I’m choosing to take it as a compliment and not the creepy “guy outside walgreens acts as if he knows you just a little too well” vibe I originally got from the exchange.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Big day

Posted on November 11, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

November 11th is a big day in the bunny household.

First and foremost it is Veterans Day.  Thank you to all those veterans who gave of their time and most especially those who gave of their lives to protect our freedom.

Especially this handsome devil-

That be my dad many moons, and many shades of gray ago.

Not only is it Veterans Day but it is also mine and MrBunny’s anniversary.

adm_197

adm_04

adm_226
I looooove this picture of my best friend.

adm_388
Our wedding was black and white with roses. Very pretty and hopefully classic enough that in 50 years I won’t look back and think “what the hell was I thinking?”.

adm_285
Ol’ Daddy O again- with a little tear in his eye. How cute is he?

adm_439
My sister and I hoofing it back to the front of the church to take pictures.

adm_518
Note to wedding dress manufacturers everywhere- if you were to color code the loops and buttons for a bustle it would make things much easier. I can’t tell you how many people and how long it took for those many people to figure out what went where with that bustle. I don’t think I had even met MrBunny’s cousin before that weekend and even she was drawn in to help thanks to her bridal shop days.

adm_583
We of course stopped at Busch Stadium.

adm_623
Our reception was at the Cafe DeMenil which is in south city St. Louis.  A fantastic venue.

adm_917
My best friend caught the bouquet. And in case you haven’t had the pleasure of being in St. Louis in November- it is cold. There was a heater/blower right behind me apparently which caused the veil to go airborne there.

adm_935
My sister and I showing off our mad dancing skills.

adm_975
Cutting the proverbial rug.

I realize there have been no pictures of the baby sister so I must remedy that with one that is perhaps my favorite from the evening:
adm_984

adm_981
My brother dancing with my mom, awwww. He is such a Momma’s boy.

adm_910
She can never try to not claim us. Ever.

As you can see we are a very mild mannered bunch. People often say “that family is so quiet and demure, you’d never know it if there were in the same room.”
Or not.

In case you were wondering- I did have a husband there at the wedding but he doesn’t like his picture up here and there are almost none of him during the reception (outside of dinner, the cake cutting, and the first dance) because he reverted to his wallflower ways and hung out with a friend of his the entire night. It’s understandable- my family can be a little overwhelming. Not to mention the fact that we are perfectly willing to take on the role of “life of the party”!

All pictures were taken by Zettl Photography out of St. Louis. If you are in need of a photographer I’d suggest you look them up. They did a fantastic job and are great to work with.

But not only is it Veterans Day and my anniversary but it is also the anniversary of the first football game played by The University of Alabama in 1892. Roll Tide!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

She isn’t the least bit remorseful.

Posted on November 4, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

If I were one to give a title to weeks of my life this one would be “The one where I got bit over a toilet paper roll.”

This is not to be confused with “The one where I got bit in the band storage room over a prom date.”  That would be the week of March 12th, 1997.  Loooong but entertaining story.  But that’s a story for another day.

So over the weekend I’d started feeling just run down.  You know that “I’m fixin to get a cold” feeling?  That was me.  Just didn’t feel good.  But I powered through.  Went and worked the cotton candy machine at a friend’s Halloween party (my boobs were stuck together from the amount of sugar trapped down there) and then just hung out the rest of the weekend.

Monday- still feeling a little blah, running a fever, whatever.

Monday night- Ginger is chewing on a toilet paper roll.  Ninja decides that she’d like to take a look at said toilet paper roll.  Ginger gives her customary “bitch you better back up off my toilet paper roll” growl.  Ninja responds with her “shut it ho” flying leap onto said toilet paper roll and fighting ensues.

Stupid me decided to try and break them up.  Should have just let them tear each other apart because in the end I’m the one that ended up with teeth in my arm.

It should be noted that neither of them ended up bleeding at all.  Damn dogs.

Tuesday morning- go to the dr. and get not only an antibiotic but also a tetanus shot.  Given my accident prone status one might be surprised that I was in need of a tetanus shot but I got to thinking about how many times I’ve been in the emergency room and said “ha! I’m really accident prone so surely I’ve had a tetanus shot recently”…. so I decided it was time to get another.

Oh sweet mother of god.  I do not remember the tetanus shot hurting this badly.  Honestly I can barely move my arm.  Chick put it up really high in my arm so my shoulder is also invited to the party.  Luckily I had the wherewithal to  have them put it in the same arm as the bite so only one arm hurts.  I can’t sleep because each time I roll over I wake myself up.

On top of that, the antibiotic is kicking my ass.  I honestly wish I wasn’t allergic to penicillin because not only would I love to have bubble gum flavored meds (let’s not kid ourselves here- I would so be getting the pink liquid) but clindamycin is a devil drug.  A fantastically working devil drug but a devil drug just the same.  I’ve been in a fog for three days.  Went to the grocery store last night and at one point had an out of body moment in which I realized I really shouldn’t be driving.

So now I’m just sitting here chilling. Trying to guilt trip Ninja into lying down and being quiet.  It isn’t working though.  At all.

As a matter of fact I think I just saw her point and laugh at my arm.

Methinks I need to lay off the drugs.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a bad news type of day.

Posted on November 1, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

So I don’t know that the loss of G4 is actually bad news as much as it sucks, but this definitely is.

I’m considering nursing school.  There are two options.  I could go to the tech school which has an LPN program or I could go to the jr. college which has an RN program.  I was leaning towards the tech school for a couple of reasons but the main one being the fact they have quarters and not semesters.

As a person gets older they realize that there are some things they just aren’t that good or that they excel in different circumstances.

For example- I am a much better 2nd horn player than 1st.  In my younger days I’d never admit that because being the slightly conceited person that I am, I wanted to be el numero uno, not it’s supporting cast.  But it’s true, I’m much better at playing the 2nd part.  Much like I enjoy singing mezzo or alto instead of soprano because of the harmonies.

Same sort of thing when it comes to this situation.  I am much better with quarters than I am semesters.  There are people who can not stand how condensed and fast paced the shorter class length is but it is, by and far, how I prefer it.  Summer classes? Yes please. Thing is with the class being shorter by the time I’m getting restless and bored with the class- it’s almost over!  With a semester I might not even be halfway through which does not bode well for my attention span, at all.

So that’s why I was leaning towards the tech school over the jr. college.  True, the job opportunities might not be as good with the LPN as the RN but I could always decide to go back and pick up the extra classes for the RN if I wanted.

Got it all figured out.

Until I went to the tech school’s website today.

I don’t know if this was recently announced or if I just missed it before, but apparently the Technical College System of Georgia (that’s sort of a mouthful) has decided to switch from quarters to semesters.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little teary.  So frustrating.

Then I got to thinking, surely I’m not the only person who does better with the shorter classes.  Perhaps the tech school was filling a void in the Georgia public school system (apparently part of their justification for it is to “streamline” by putting all (K-12, tech, and 2/4 year colleges) on the same schedule) for those who don’t do well in the traditional semester schedule?

I was always of the thought that tech school really was a place for those who weren’t either cut out for (and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way at all) or had a desire for the traditional college “experience”.  The people who excel in the world of auto mechanics and plumbing rather than in that of creative writing and physics.

So where does that, albeit small, population of students go now?  Well I suppose I’ll start looking at the jr. college.  I mean on paper there really isn’t reason not to any more.  So very frustrating.

Thanks a lot Technical College System of Georgia.

le sigh

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Directv:

Posted on November 1, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

What the hell?

I’m not feeling so hot this morning so I lie down on the couch and turn on the tv.  I have a handful of channels that are my ol’ standby’s- ABC Family (don’t judge), Hallmark (for the movies really), the Military Channel, ESPN, Tru TVand G4.

I was in the mood for X-Play so I turned on the guide to see if G4 was showing it only to see the following message:

“G4 is no longer available on DIRECTV”

Whaaaaaaaattttttttt?

This is horrible horrible news.  How on earth am I going to get my game news fix without Attack of the Show or X-Play?  Adam Sessler I will miss you!

Where am I going to get my COPS fix?  Ninja Warrior?  Oh my god I just realized that I am going to miss Ninja Warrior America.  How will I know if an American can finally make it to the top of the final stage?  HOW???????????/????

Not to mention Unbeatable Banzuke!

Oh this has ruined my morning.

Hopefully you and whoever owns G4 (Comcast maybe?) can work out your differences because I really can’t imagine being stuck with TLC and their family of shows about dwarf cops with 17 kids who didn’t know they were pregnant.

For now I’m just going to sit here and cry.  Perhaps that will bring back Olivia Munn (that chick cracks my shit up).

Sincerely,

A customer who upgraded her package mainly to get G4.

:sad face:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Blogging the power outage

Posted on October 28, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

3:00- Bronco wakes up whining like a big ol baby. Has to pee.

(6:57- notice that publish button is really easy to hit on iPhone)

3:04- Bronco finally stops peeing. He and Ninja go back to bed. Ginger ends up with us.

4:15- rain starts.

4:15:01- Ginger starts panicking.

5:20- power goes out.

5:20:01- Ginger has panic attack resulting in stepping on my face numerous times.

6:00- mrbunny decides to get ready for work. Find candles and lighter. Let dogs out- big mistake.

6:15- mrbunny realizes he can’t dryer iron his shirt (even though his shirt has ready been ironed by me but he feels it isn’t fully ironed until run through the dryer a couple minutes. Irritating.)

6:15:17- mrbunny realizes he has no power over the power so is forced to get over it.

6:15:21- I realize that Bronco and Ninja both need to wear bells in these situations. They are impossible to see with no ambient light whatsoever. I come to this realization as bronco steps on my left kidney because I didn’t see him coming and prep myself for the canine steamroller.

6:40- all three dogs realize they have to pee again immediately.

6:40:02- I really wish they were toilet trained. It’s pouring.

6:40:09- the whining continues so we head outside.

6:42- thoroughly soaked and bladders sufficiently emptied we head back inside. Dogs, to their surprise, go back in their rooms. Wet dog does not go on my bed.

6:42:01- Ginger starts whining like I’m ripping out her toenails one by one.

6:42:03- mrbunny leaves for work.

6:45- I head back to bed to be lulled back to sleep by the cop out front yelling at people as he directs traffic.

6:47- realize that between the yelling, the whining, and now the fender bender, I’m bit going back to sleep. Decide to play with phone instead.

6:55- open wordpress to live blog power outage.

6:57- have numerous missteps thanks to fat fingering my touch screen.

6:58- tow truck arrives for fender bender.

7:09- power returns, for now. Thank god because it was getting a little warmish in here and I’m tired of typing on this tiny keyboard.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

Perpetual case of swamp ass

Posted on October 26, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

I love south Georgia, I do.  It’s weather right now however comma is beyond annoying.

Somehow the atmospheric pressure and cloud cover and barometric pressure and whatever other weather related word I can think of have not gotten the message that it is late October.  It shouldn’t be cold by any means but there should at least be a little nip in the air.

Let me assure you atmospheric pressure- 92 degrees does not contain a nip.  There is no nip present here.  We are NIPLESS!

hahaha oh shit I amuse myself

Anyways (even though it is poor English, I love this word).

It’s hot here.

And I wish it would stop.

There is hot chocolate to be had damnit and last I heard it was illegal to partake of said hot chocolate when your air conditioning is still running.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 1 Comment

This is a painful sight.

Posted on October 25, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

Usually I’m okay with the SEC excelling.

Usually.

But this?  This is a tough pill to swallow.

November 26th.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The one where I somehow work in Liberace and snot

Posted on October 24, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

RISTLTMB

This one made me literally laugh out loud.

Mesothelioma support group

I mean really.

Funny story though.

My first high school was in this awesome old building.  How awesome?  Down in the basement like cafeteria the walls were painted in a mural of what I imagine at the time of inception was very popular musical acts.

The Who and I think Elton John.  There was some others but for the life of me I can’t think of what they were right now.  I’d look in my yearbook but I think those are in the black hole that is my parent’s basement storage room.

(I shit you not there is a baby swing down there circa 1978.  I’m waiting to see my mom show up on Antiques Roadshow with that thing and look all disheartened when they tell her it isn’t worth the gas she used to drive there.)

Moving on.

School was old.

How old?

So old that one day I was sitting in health class (shout out to Ms. V- the best PE/Health teacher I had) and noticed that the walls looked for lack of a better word, fuzzy.  They weren’t fuzzy like the walls in our church in Montana which for some god only knows reason they had put up a wallpaper that had a velvet like pattern in the color of snot.  Imagine trying to get your worship on in Liberace’s sinuses.  It was gross.  But the walls at the school weren’t like that.

It was more like when plaster starts to bubble and crack and there’s a bunch of little pustules in the wall.  Jesus this is starting to sound like the walls were being infected by the Flood (I don’t imagine many people who read this will get that reference but it is what it is).

Back to my point.  I would not be at all surprised if someday I (and the hundreds who also attended that school in it’s last days in the old building) end up needing a Mesothelioma support group.  Because those walls?  That shit ain’t natural.

Unless asbestos is a naturally occurring substance that just happens to have numerous adverse effects in which case the saying “ain’t natural” doesn’t apply at all.  But I have little desire for factual integrity here so I’m going with ain’t natural anyway.

Mesothelioma.

Another word that looks really off the more you spell it.

color

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Perhaps I should clean my bathroom

Posted on October 21, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

This is one of those times I’m glad MrBunny doesn’t read this, because I would never hear the end of this one.

Picture it- my bathroom, this evening.  I’m getting ready for bed (which I never do before I actually go to bed but rather hours before hand- damn night owl tendencies) and as usual go to brush my teeth.

Sadly it took me a moment to figure out something was off.  Not sure what this says of my tastebuds.  But I did notice and when my mouth caught up with my brain that had finally caught up with my eyes I was moments away from full out vomit.

Three things:

a.) Vanilla flavored toothpaste is a good idea

b.) They need to make the picture of the dog on those tubes muuuuuch bigger.

c.) I need to stop brushing the dogs’ teeth in my bathroom.

Rest assured I will be double checking from now on and will not proceed until I’m positive it’s Crest not Canine.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

The cutest new Catholic ever

Posted on October 13, 2010 by Amanda Broyles

My niece, Evamarie was baptized a couple of weeks ago and my sister gave the go ahead for the pictures to be public so here I go!

Now these may come down at a future date but for now just revel in the cuteness.

 
First off, the baptismal font at my parent’s church. This is the same church MrBunny and I got married in and my sister and brother in law as well.
116

This is not a very good picture of my dad but it made me laugh. He is an ordained deacon and actually baptized Evamarie. He’s reading the Gospel and I just happened to catch a rather expressive moment.
105

The belle of the ball
087

I don’t know about her mom, but I’m hoping that red hair sticks around longer than mine did.
086

Evamarie and her parents
erinjim

It was a fun day! Not only did we get to welcome the new Catholic but in part the day was to celebrate and give thanks that my sister was able to be there as well. Thanks to all for the prayers, they were definitely appreciated!

Oh and because I can’t post a dippy picture of my dad without giving equal time to my mom-
094

What can I say? I have a knack for catching people at their worst.

Oh and this will be a test to see if my mother reads this post. Because you better believe she will be calling rather indignant if she sees I posted that!

So there you have it. Now everyone can go ahead and say how cute she is.

ETA: I’d be remiss to not include a picture of her gown! My mom made it and it turned out beautiful. It’s got symbols for the Sacraments of Initiation and then a monogram there in the bottom block. You can read more about it over on my mom’s blog here.

ETAETA: and even more remiss if I didn’t actually include the picture of said gown.
evamarie1039

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 5 Comments