Four little ducks went out one day

I’m talking to my sister the other day and all of a sudden I hear “BUNNY!!! BUNNY COME HERE!!!”.

Of course thinking that perhaps something was wrong, I told him to wait a minute.

Then he says “THE DUCKS ARE IN OUR DRIVEWAY!”

That got my attention so I ran like a madwoman outside, grabbing my camera as I flew out the house.

Seriously, how cute are these guys?

 

 

 

I’m guessing they’d come over from the pond across the street. All I know is it made my morning.

And if the post title didn’t get a Raffi song stuck in your head, here you go.

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T-r-e-a-t

A few photo examples of what happens when the “t” word is used in my house.

Ginger-

“Here I come!!!”

Bronco-

“Wait, what did you just say? Did you say what I think you said? Did it start with a ‘t’?”

Ninja-

“How’s about you bring the treat to me, okay? I’ve got bigger things to occupy my time than to do a little pointless dance just for your amusement and the possibility of a dry mildly meat flavored nugget.”

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Workless Wednesdays

So in an effort to be more regular around here, I’ve upped my fiber intake (thank you Jamie Lee Curtis) and instituted things like Monday’s Mail and today’s offering, Workless Wednesdays.
Don’t worry, the cutesy alliteration is making me just as nauseated as you, but it is what it is.

So, what is Workless Wednesday’s you might ask? Well, simply, it’s where I’ll post about jobs that I have applied for in my many years of unemployment and have been denied; oh and one where I’m pretty sure I delivered drugs. With some the denial was a bit harsher than others and some, let’s be honest, I had no business applying for in the first place.

I’ve never been one for saving the best for last so let’s start off with a bang.

In a particularly low moment, I opened the paper and found what seemed like a great employment opportunity. I would be outside, with other people, in one of the greatest places on earth, could stretch the situation and call myself a member of a great baseball team’s “organization”. Really the only downside to this job was, really, the job itself.

But I applied anyway. I needed a job. I needed an income. Wishes and hopes don’t buy toilet paper, or pay the water bill and without those two things, life sort of sucks.

Waited to hear back. Waited and waited and waited. Finally after a week or two of waiting, I gave the contact number a call. Introduced myself, said I was calling to check that they had received my application with resume attached and they said they had indeed received it. Of course at this point I was so desperate for gainful employment (let’s hearken back to the toilet paper) that what little adherence to etiquette I’d had before had pretty much disappeared so I figured while I had the guy on the phone I’d just go ahead and ask him what he thought my chances of actually getting the job were.

“Well I have to say, I don’t think we’ve ever had anyone include a resume when applying for this job before.”

“Oh no? Well I’m in a bit of a groove with applying for jobs so I probably just included it out of habit. So listen, thanks for considering me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.”
(I went ahead and used a period at the end of that sentence but in reality there was a definite lift at the end of soon that pretty much meant “for the love of god will you please give me at least a little hope, even if it is completely false?”)

The poor guy let out a long sigh and in the most apologetic voice said, “See here’s the thing, I really don’t think you are qualified for the job. That’s to say, I don’t know that you would really find fulfillment in the job. I’m sure there is another job out there that you are much more suited for than this one.”

I choked back my tears and heartache, all while quickly trying to calculate how much toilet paper I had left for the rest of the month and managed to eek out a “Oh, okay. Thanks so much. You’re right. Maybe scraping bird poop isn’t the best job for me right now.”

That’s right folks, the job was SCRAPING BIRD SHIT FROM SEATS!!!!

I applied for a job to scrap the copious amounts of bird shit from the seats and railings and basically every surface of a baseball stadium.

And I didn’t get the job.

Who knows what my life would look like now had I gotten that job? I think enough time has passed that I could conceivably be the head shit scraper. I could be entrenched in shit scraping middle management. Waking up every morning ready to face another day of shit.

But instead I sit here and write shit about my mail and jobs I didn’t get.

Apparently I’m qualified for that job.

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Monday’s Mail

There are many blogs out there that provide great public services whether they shine the light on the horrific lives of stay at home moms or take it upon themselves to consume the world’s supplies of butter so the rest of us don’t die of heart attacks, they are bright spots in a society today that seems constantly heading down the shitter.

I think we can all agree, this is not one of them.

A s I sit here enjoying a meal of dry Special K and kicking the teenage ass of the Jeopardy players I thought it’s about time I changed that.

Then I got the final Jeopardy question wrong and said fuck it, I’m going to tell everyone what I got in the mail today instead.

Let’s do this.

First off we’ve got a lovely notice from the home warranty place letting me know that the credit card I’ve got on file is no longer valid. Which means only one thing; Jessica Owens of Kalamazoo, Washington finally wised up. Serves her right for leaving her credit card in the parking lot of a northern Kentucky gas station.

Next up is something quite juicy if I say so myself. That’s right folks, Grand Canyon Trust has learned of my great love of the Grand Canyon. They are so impressed with my endless dedication, loyalty, and faithfullness (this sentence has been brought to you by dictionary.com) that they extended me an incredible opportunity to give them money. The rest of the letter involves something about noisy helicopters and enterprising resort building Native Americans. Call me crazy but I’m not too keen on denying Native Americans anything involving land so I’m going to have to go ahead and pass on this idea. Sorry Grand Canyon, enjoy the casino. Word of advice, always bet on black.

This brings us to the pinnacle of today’s mail. A collection of paper bound with staples  that I know every postal worker that touches it in it’s glossy glory can’t help but take a moment and enjoy bounties.

That’s right friends, it’s the Camping World 8th Annual Grillfest catalog. Did you hear me? It’s Grillfest time!!

Let’s crack open this bad boy. Oooohhh, Camping World decides to go big or go home and opens the Grillfest catalog with one of the biggest names in grilling, the Colemans. They all look so sleek with their red aluminum lids and their plastic wheels. Someone get me a fan!

It’s difficult to eat without a table so of course Camping World offers a NEW! 4-IN-1 table. So sexy. Move over Victoria’s Secret models, there’s a new game in town.
Everyone knows that Memorial Day= barbecue so it only seems right that we turn a couple pages and find everything for all your Memorial Day decorating needs. We’ve got stars and stripes windsocks, and tableclothes,  and awning rope lights (oh yea baby), and what’s that? Oh my how exciting! It’s a patriotic bag chair. You can plop your ass down and show your pride in our fine nation at the same time. God Bless America.

As I flip through this goodie bag I come across words that are always good news- BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! What is this product that campers worldwide have been clamoring for? That’s right it’s Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments!!!!!! It is environmentally safe, contains no formaldehyde, and speeds up the natural composting process by preventing hydrogen sulfide gases. It’s like I always say, nothing ruins a party faster than hydrogen sulfide gases. Thank you Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments, I am so glad you are back.

Our review of my mail is almost over but before I wrap up I want to draw attention to an item that I hold dear to my heart. That item, friends, would be the deluxe pet basket. I can not tell you how many times I was riding my bike around town and thought, damnit if I could just find a way to let Bronco ride along with me by sitting precariously in a basket on my handlebars. If only, oh to dream. And then my dreams were answered. I can’t tell you what it has done for the dog/owner relationship, especially when I went ahead and also purchased the Deluxe Love Glove. Nothing says you care about your pet than gently caressing them with the love glove, working out the days troubles, whisking away all the burrs and dirt. I’m getting a little misty eyed here, excuse me.

I’m so glad you could all join me in this adventure. Stay tuned next week when I will take out the trash! Until then, happy days and love gloves all around.

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Story time.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who bought a bag of chocolate chips and a container of oatmeal to make baked oatmeal cups.

Then one day she realized the bag of chocolate chips was empty.

The oatmeal container wasn’t even opened yet.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

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Dear Robert;

You may not remember me and that’s okay because I’m pretty positive that I’m just another notch in your belt but we shared a beautiful moment while I attended the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop a couple weeks back.

You were serving lunch, I was eating lunch. It was very cramped, you had to work your way through tables that were very close together… no?

Maybe a picture of my cheek will jog your memory? Image

Granted this was taken in the sunshine and not in the ballroom of Kennedy Union, but I think it would help just the same.

That cheek and a certain cheek of yours became quite acquainted, if you know what I mean.
Here’s the problem- although my husband often annoys the piss out of me, I do love him. I’m pretty sure I saw a ring on your finger as well and as fabulous as our moments in that crowded ballroom over that delightful lunch of cold chicken and salad were, I sadly don’t see a future for us. There, there Robert… I’m sure there’s another cheek out there for you to love.

Please realize that while I had many great experiences at the workshop- the talks, the sessions, the friends I’d only met hours beforehand but felt like I’d known for years, the inspiration, all of it… none of it will compare to the time we spent together.

We’ll always have lunch, Robert. :tear: We’ll always have lunch.

Sincerely,

Me (the woman sitting by the door on the far left, no, left if you are facing the doors, I guess it would be far right if you are facing the front, seriously you don’t remember me? I’m beginning to feel a bit like a cheap floozie here Robert, like our time together meant nothing to you. Did it mean nothing to you Robert? DID IT?!?!?! Answer me!!!! I need to know!!!! ROBERT!!!!!)

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A sad RISTLTMB

As most people who read this know, RISTLTMB stands for “Random Internet Search That Lead To My Blog”. It is something that I usually find such humor in because most of the time they are ridiculous.

Unfortunately today’s is not.

I had noticed that last couple of days that the search for Megan Tysinger was bringing a lot of traffic. Megan is someone who has commented on my blog a few times, and because she used her full name, google searches have led here.

Because of this uptick in searches for her name, I got curious and went searching myself.

It turns out that Megan was either killed or committed suicide (from what I can gather, the official cause of death is suicide but there are many very vocal people who suggest that it perhaps was not and that the police have not done a good job investigating. Let it be known- I have absolutely no idea what happened, don’t know Megan or her ex-husband, don’t know any of her family members, don’t know any of the police; I’m just leaving it as either/or.) on the 23rd of April.

It is always sad when someone dies in a violent manner, either suicide or not. Always sad that a situation can devolve into such despairs that someone can see no way out but death.

I, sadly, know of this situation all too well and wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

My thoughts go out to Megan’s family; including her two daughters. May they find peace in this awful time.

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My day, in pictures.

Actually it’s “the end of my day… in pictures” because I didn’t think to take any while I was in the process.

So after the poison ivy overrun of 2010/2011, I was really ready to get a garden back in this year.
You would think as excited of the prospect I was, I would have thought to start this process last month sometime when it was somewhat cool.
You would be wrong.

Oh hell no. I waited until today when it was 84 and the sun out in full force.

But it is now done. Thankfully. Now I just wait for everything to start growing and I’ll be eating zucchini in no time!

Descriptions in no order, mainly because I’ve clicked of “create gallery” and don’t remember what order they are in.

There’s a couple pictures of the garden itself. There is cucumbers, zucchini, squash, eggplant, cantaloupe (going to have to pay attention to that bad boy for fear it will take over the whole garden), lettuce, radishes, and beets.

The picture of a small planter by the wall is watermelon.

Not pictured is a thing of strawberries and a pot of basil.

The picture of the chair underneath the magnolia is where I sat down to get a respite from the sun and a dead bird fell on me. Yay.

Picture of me in the bathroom, still looking somewhat chipper although I just had dead bird and me and am moments away from heat stroke.

The pool is a picture of a pool. I set it up for the first time today and it was greatly appreciated. Bronco loves that thing.

The vine with a bud is my confederate jasmine that should be blooming here soon. My carport is going to be the best smelling in all of Georgia.

And pictures of the three dogs because why not.

 

 

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Comma cat

Comma cat

My mom says he used up all 9 of his lives and after 12 years Comma is up on top of that big dryer in the sky.
He will be missed.

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RISTLTMB

Okay so it isn’t that random seeing as it is what I was basically talking about (sort of) in my last post but I did enjoy seeing someone else trying to find some obscure bit of knowledge about a prop in a movie.

Someone needs to start a site for all of us prop noticers out there.

Anyways- the RISTLTMB is…

why is there a bunny picture on lillians end table in thr movie bridesmaids

Very good question!

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Missed it by that much.

So I’m watching Bridesmaids for the 20th time and I notice on a table in Lillian’s apartment is a white ceramic (I assume) dog statue. It is very cute.

Thinking that I would like to see about procuring a similar statue for myself, I turn to google.

First I tried to get really specific- “white ceramic labrador retriever statue on table in Lillian’s apartment in the movie Bridesmaids”.
Apparently if you include the word bridesmaid anywhere in your search, you get almost nothing but results about being a bridesmaid and bridesmaid dresses and various and sundry other topics directly related to being a maid to a bride.
Not helpful.

So I try to open it up a bit-  “props used in movie Bridesmaids”
Sadly, also not very helpful although I did find a place that apparently owns the old lady monster that’s in the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Buffy gets a job at the Doublemeat Palace.  “Manny the Manager- if I ask him really nice think he’ll let me write a children’s book called that?”
As awesome as that was, not quite what I was looking for.

I decide to go a little more broad- “movie props”.
After an hour spent perusing those results, I have a brand new appreciation for the props department, but still no ceramic dog.

Finally I decided to just screw the movie part of the equation and instead look for “white ceramic labrador statue”.

Ooohhh, so close. So very very close.

PS- I did just find this and while it isn’t the white ceramic dog I’m looking for, I might be able to envision this on my front lawn.

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Dear Bronco…

It is only 10:30 in the morning and already I’ve composed about a thousand notes to Bronco in my head. It’s going to be a long day.

Dear Bronco,
Even though, most of the time, I love your need to cuddle, I do not appreciate being awoken by your massive skull landing on my face.
Sincerely,
My concussion

Dear Bronco,
Neither you, nor I, are very small creatures so the likelihood that we can share this chair comfortably is slim.
Sincerely,
My ass

Dear Bronco,
Please stop letting Ninja hump your face. It is disturbing for all parties.
Sincerely,
The universe

Dear Bronco,
Please stop licking Ginger’s ears. It may seem like she enjoys it in the moment but once it gets sore she doesn’t and I don’t like having to deal with the constant ear infections.
Sincerely,
Ginger’s ear canals

Dear Bronco,
Just because Ninja puked on you doesn’t mean that you should pee on her.
Sincerely,
My sanity

Dear Bronco,
Just because I’m aggravated that you peed on Ninja does not mean that I wish you to clean it off of her.
Sincerely,
We have towels and a bath for that

Dear Bronco,
I understand you dislike getting a bath but trying to crawl into my lap when a.) I’m not sitting and b.) I’m currently trying to rinse shampoo off of you, is not the answer.
Sincerely,
I need a nap

Dear Bronco,
Remember how we discussed how you aren’t a small creature? Yea, lunging at me with that large body is not the best way to get me to feed you.
Sincerely,
My empty bottle of Tylenol

Dear Bronco,
I think it’s time we just give up, call it a day, and go back to bed.
Love,
Me

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Just your average tuesday night.

Hanging out with my freshly sprained wrist (thank you ridiculously difficult to turn water shut off valve thing) and wasting time taking Internet quizzes.

Not surprisingly, I’d be in ravenclaw.


Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Other than that, just trying to stay cool with ceiling fans (it is really warm here right now, especially in this house) and reading about constructing plot.

In other words, just another Tuesday!

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I love the internet.

So here I am- sitting, watching/listening to Modern Family, trying to think of a topic of a post (I’m working on one involving my best friend’s hatred of pork but that needs finessing) and I’m stuck.

Of course I turn to the internet.

I found a list of writing prompts and even though I don’t know the person/machine that generated this one, they clearly know me, and my mother.

…..5 quirks I like about my mother…..

Oh Mawtha, this is going to be fun.

1. Her proclivity for pluralizing. Example- as kids she would ask us to clean our rooms and when it wasn’t done she would come and point out things that we had missed. For this example let’s imagine that there is a hanger in the floor, a shirt hanging on a chair, and a book in the floor. My mom’s reaction would be to say “There are hangers everywhere! Shirts on every chair in here! Books all over the place!”

She has done this for as long I’ve known her and it has never ceased to be funny. I would not suggest laughing while she’s mad though, it never helps the situation.

2. When talking to her, she will mimic your facial expressions. It is especially hysterical when you are telling a funny or sad story.

3.  She always tried to not let us see her laughing at us by hiding behind a napkin. Because  it is perfectly normal dinner table behavior to cover one’s face with a napkin and shake while occasionally letting a snort escape. Totally fooled us.

4. Her overreactions to little things are a sight to behold. Example- she and my sister flew into Atlanta to visit Georgia Tech back when my sister was considering grad school. I went up there to pick them up and we were going to go to the CNN Museum before we headed down south.  I pulled into the parking lot and as is custom with many pay lots, I rolled my window down to grap the ticket thingie. I don’t think to roll my window back up until we park. Now it is summer time in Georgia, so it was a wee bit hot, but but Mawtha’s reaction to this was a little bit extreme. She turned, noticed the open window, and in the most aghast voice possible goes, “WHY IS THE WINDOW OPEN?”. I would not expect her tone to be any different than if I had just murdered my baby sister right in front of her eyes. This open window? Treason of the highest order.

5. No matter how old we get, she never stops being our mom. One day I was standing in their kitchen eating something, and got a drip on my shirt. With cat like reflexes, my mom leaps across the kitchen, grabs a wet cloth, and starts cleaning my shirt. All while I stand there rather stunned that at 32 years old, my mom was cleaning me. Or when we were standing in line at something at their church and one of my sibling’s old teachers came by and asked how said sibling was doing. My mom feels the need to step in, “She’s GREAT! She’s doing this and that and oh and this and she’s just great!” My mom- a cheerleader to the end.

So there you have it- 5 quirks I like about my mother.

Good times.

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#14!!!

Roll Tide Roll

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Another edition of random thoughts.

It’s that time again! When nothing in my head is coming together in a cohesive manner so I just start listing this as they pop in the ol’ noggin. (god that totally sounds like something my dad would say)

-I think Ginger realizes how old she is getting (she’s 9 this month) because she seems to be getting into that old people/dog thing where she’s not taking anything for granted. She   has started acting like she has never and will never see me again every single time I leave the house or she goes outside. Even if it’s only for a minute. It’s insane.

– With the success of Downton Abbey, I wonder how many people at PBS are quoting “A Mighty Wind” these days. I imagine many a Lars Olfen impression has been made. I can’t even remember a time when so many people were talking about a show on PBS.

-I wonder how many apps from the “productivity” category I have to download before they start working. Let it be known- 37? Isn’t getting the job done.

– MrBunny watches way too many shows like “When women attack” and “You wife dreams of hatchet murdering your in your sleep”. I’m beginning to wonder if this is an outward expression of an internal fear or an exhibition of how little he pays attention to what is on the tv when he is working.

– I have a countdown set up on my phone to January 13th when Beauty and the Beast returns to theatres. I have a feeling I won’t be the only 30something woman in there squealing like a school girl when the “camera” (seriously what do you call it with animation?) flys up to the castle with that ol’ familiar piano opening.  For who could ever learn to love a beast?

– I need to get a shelf in my office so that when I get tired of looking at my screenplay that isn’t writing itself, I can see my Lego Hogwarts Castle and smile. It’s the little things in life. Or in this case, it’s the 1200 little bricks in life.

– Speaking of a screenplay, it isn’t writing itself so I need to get back to it. Until next time!

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Excuse me, will you be my friend?

So I’ve mentioned Pinterest and my love for it, numerous times before but a new and unexpected side effect has arisen from my love of the site.

In addition to the people you know and follow, you can follow anyone on the site. You can choose to follow all their boards, or just pick and choose what interests you.

Because of this, I follow a lot of people who I share interests with, but most of the time we have just that one or two interests in common.

Enter THAT WOMAN.

That’s what I call her.

You see, THAT WOMAN and I are pretty much the same person, at least as far as Pinterest is concerned. I first started following her because I searched for Crimson Tide pins and she showed up. Next thing I know, she’s posting gardening stuff, and star wars stuff, and things about tv shows I love, and legos, and more Tide, and various other geeky things, and things I would love to eat, and pretty much everything else in the world that I love.

This situation has had me questioning the new etiquette involved in the social media/always connected with at times perfect strangers world we live in today.

Is it appropriate to approach this woman? How do I go about it? Is it at all acceptable to ask this woman to move in with me and perhaps entertain me? How does that whole sister wives thing work? How do you figure out if someone would be okay with a sister wife kind of relationship? Can I hire her to cook all those wonderful things she pins? Or construct the truly incredible lego village she pinned at three in the morning the other day (OH MY GOD SHE IS ALSO A NIGHT OWL!) that would look amazing in my office next to my Lego Hogwarts Castle (a Christmas gift from MrBunny that I adore).

Would that be coming on too strong? Would it be like when I made a cross-stitch of Nancy Lopez’s face and she then tried to kill me?

I don’t know if I can suffer a heartbreak like that again.

Maybe I’ll just admire her from afar.

And dream of the day we walk into Bryant-Denny holding hands, at sunset, on gameday, eating nutella pinwheels, discussing the best time to plant broccoli in this climate, and comparing plans for our lifesize Lego homes.

Oh to dream…

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I owe it all to the South Koreans

It’s that time of year again- annual report! YAY!!!!!

I realize that there is no one who is amused by this nearly as much as I am but whatever, I  find it hysterical. How else would I know about the South Koreans? That is important information to have my friends. Very, very important.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 17,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Puppy break!

I’m working on new posts but figured I’d hadn’t AW’d the dogs recently so it was time.

That and I’ve been playing with my camera trying to figure out settings so there are plenty of them to share.

Ginger-

Ginger in the cabin

at the cabin we rented a couple of months ago

Look deeply into my eyes...

and then getting in my face while I was taking pictures. She loves being in the middle of the action.

Bronco-

Poor little matchstick dog

acting a little pathetic. Because being outside in 70 degree weather is just awful.

IMG_6754

This is not a good picture at all but it makes me laugh. He just looks so serious.

IMG_6351

A good picture.

Ninja-

IMG_6721

Just chilling. Every picture I take of her is basically her laying down, half asleep or it’s just a blur.

Ninja

This is a rare exception. I probably said the t word (treat) and somehow got this picture before she launched herself at my face (yea that is her rational response to the t word, like my face is the treat or something).

I’d like to say I have a picture of all three that is at all decent, but I don’t.

IMG_1148

That’s as close as it gets. It’s from our recent camping trip. They look cramped but believe it or not, they love sharing that crate. They each have their own but like to cram all together instead.

Strange.

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I made it!

Oh Pinterest. How I love you so. And hate you, all at the same time.
Love because you are awesome.
Hate because half the time I see things and I’m like, “oh that is so awesome” and then I think about actually making it and then I’m like, “oh that is so not what I want to spend my time on”.
But I decided that I was going to make a concerted effort to at least attempt some of the things I pin.
Hopefully this won’t be a “one and done” but we shall see.

Today I decided upon the “homemade chocolate syrup” found here… http://pinterest.com/pin/23010648065747861/

I love chocolate syrup. Who doesn’t love chocolate syrup?

I like to make chocolate milk. Again, who doesn’t like to make chocolate milk?

I was in the mood for chocolate milk this afternoon and realized I didn’t have any chocolate syrup.

:cue the empathetic crying from the crowd:

So I looked to pinterest and found exactly what I was looking for.

It was really easy!

Sugar, cocoa powder, a bit of salt, water, and some vanilla- things I already had in my cabinets. I love it when it works out like that!

Mixed the cocoa and sugar together, added the water, mixed (actually this was the most difficult part- use a larger pot than you think you’ll need other wise each time you go to mix the cocoa powder will *poof* everywhere, very annoying) it up and set to boil.

After it reaches a boil you simmer for five minutes, remove from heat from five minutes, add vanilla, and then put in a container.

Seriously, it would have taken me longer to run to publix to buy chocolate syrup than it did to make it.

How does it taste? Pretty damn close actually. It’s sugar instead of corn syrup so it has that different taste but I love it.

Just had a glass of chocolate milk and it was rather satisfying if I do say so myself.

Score 1 for Pinterest!

 

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